


Weight Of Us

by letusbebrave



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-11-06
Packaged: 2017-12-27 14:50:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letusbebrave/pseuds/letusbebrave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Alison had never been the focus of Emily’s affection? Instead Alison only knew about the feelings that Emily had for Spencer Hastings. This will be more based strongly on the show and its plots, but with a different edge and dynamic. Starts at the plot of 1x09.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Not Ready

* * *

_“That’s why I love you. You’re big on happy endings. So is Dickens by the way, Pip gets Estella in the end. Can I read you something? ‘I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.’ Did you get to that part yet?”_

_Emily’s head nods slowly. Her eyes are fixed on the floor, but her mind is miles away. She can feel Alison’s eyes staring at her. There’s a question in her eyes; Emily knows that Alison knows how she feels. Alison always knew._

_“Is it so wrong to want a happy ending?”_

_There’s a laugh. Not one that lights up the room or even makes Emily smile. It’s a laugh that says everything Alison knows how to say without words. It just reminds Emily of how much control Alison has over everything and everyone. It sounds like a mother laughing at her child’s ridiculous dreams. “Not everyone can have a happy ending.” Emily’s gaze finally reaches Alison’s eyes. “Don’t plan on having a happy ending with her. I understand, but she won’t. It was just one lousy kiss during Truth or Dare, Em. It meant nothing to her. You don’t want to lose everything over some fantasy, right?”_

_It always surprised her how Alison could say the worst thing while sounding like an angel._

* * *

“Yeah, so I heard. Nice cover, huh?” Detective Wilden asked with a grin on his face. “You want me to share this with them? Or would you like to? Go ahead and tell them about the angry letter that you wrote to Alison, which is dated by the way, three days before she disappeared.”

“You had no right to read that,” Emily’s voice shook as she spoke. Her hand reached to grab the letter again as if that would make Wilden’s memory of its words disappear. There was so much fear in her eyes and it showed on her face. She could only hope that the other girls wouldn’t see her expression as she faced Wilden.

“Emily, what is in that letter?” There was a fear evident in Spencer’s voice. Spencer knew that Emily couldn’t hurt Alison. Not Emily. Her eyebrows wrinkled closer together in fear and confusion. She needed to know what the letter said, probably even more than the other girls. The fear was in her now. The absolute thirst for knowledge and understanding was in her blood.

Would this be how they found out Alison died?

 “Tell her. Isn’t that why you wrote the letter? Because you wanted to tell Alison how you felt about Spencer?” Detective Wilden asked as he stared right at Spencer. Spencer cocked her head slightly as she faced Emily. What did this have to do with her? She thought the letter was about Alison.

Emily’s face was full of fear and shame, but Wilden wouldn’t stop. The case had consumed him. It was the only way to get to the truth, to expose the girls for their lies. “Tell her how you wanted to punish Alison for how she made you feel about your feelings for Spencer. Tell her how you felt relieved at the funeral. Yeah, she wasn’t going to be around to humiliate you anymore, was she?”

Wilden’s eyes flickered back and forth from the two girls. Their expressions were completely opposite: one of shame and the other of concern and confusion.

“I went back to that memorial to say I was sorry,” she said as her voice lowered and trembled in the process. Emily could barely lift her gaze from the ground. There was shame written across her face. This wasn’t guilt. This was pure shame—it was put on her from someone else. If Alison rejected her, wouldn’t the rest of them? Especially once Spencer found out… But Emily wouldn’t let Wilden tell them instead of her. She wouldn’t let him have that much power over her. “There were horrible things in that letter. And I didn’t mean them. And suddenly she was gone…” Emily’s words were hushed and the girls almost had to lean in to hear them. Emily looked up one last time and glanced between the three girls: her three best friends. There wasn’t any way she could lie to them anymore… but to tell the truth was to risk losing them all.

Spencer knew the conversation was directed towards her. There was a strange feeling in her stomach as she saw Detective Wilden stare at her. It made her feel uncomfortable and _judged_. He knew something about Emily that she didn’t know and it made her more upset than she would have thought.

There was a beat of silence; it allowed Emily to catch her breathe and gain the courage to say what needed to be said. Her eyes flickered back and forth before they returned to stare at Spencer. It was only one sentence but she knew it would change everything. Emily knew she owed it to Spencer to look her in the eyes while she told her.

“She knew that I loved you as more than a friend.”  

There was a silence as everyone in the room tried to absorb the information that had just been given. Emily’s eyes flickered from Spencer to the floor. There was nothing else she could say at the moment. Her breath was shallow and her eyes swollen with tears not yet fallen. Her worst nightmare of this happening wasn’t as horrifying as how it had actually happened. This wasn’t her choice. She hadn’t wanted Wilden to find the statues in her backpack or her letter to Alison. The letter… it was so private; something that shouldn’t have ever been opened.

Spencer was flabbergasted as she stood and stared at Emily. Her mind couldn’t wrap around the sentence. Her brain couldn’t comprehend it, not yet.

“Give her the letter back to her.”

Of course it was Hanna that spoke first. She was the first one to know about Emily and Maya. Emily couldn’t even smile in gratification; all she could do was continue to wait for any sign from Spencer on what she had said. All she got was a look of surprise on Spencer’s face and silence. “Give it back to her now or I swear I’ll rip your head off!” Hanna almost growled. Emily would thank her later, but for now she was just glad someone was defending her. She could hear the absolute protective nature coming out of Hanna’s words. The letter hadn’t changed Hanna’s view of her and for the moment that had been enough.

“Sorry, I can’t. And we’re not leaving this room until you tell me what you were doing carting around pieces of Alison’s memorial!” Emily had almost forgotten about the memorial until Wilden brought it up again. It snapped her out of the silence she was in and back into the defensive mode. Emily hadn’t done anything wrong; she never could have destroyed the memorial.

“I took them because they were the only things that weren’t broken.”

The girls turned quickly as they heard the door screech open. It was easier to breathe after seeing who it was. There wasn’t anyone more equipped to handle the situation than Veronica Hastings. The burden had been lifted off the girls’ backs to protect Emily. Nothing bad could come to her while Mrs. Hastings was there.

“What’s going on in here? Why aren’t they in the locker room with the other kids?”

Spencer’s eyes flickered from her mother to Emily for only a moment. The letter could be forgotten for now. It didn’t have to be discussed in front of anyone else, especially Wilden.

“Who are you?”

“Her mother. I mean, if this is the school’s idea of keeping my child safe, I’m glad I came back.” Spencer crossed her arms as her mother spoke. As much as their family fought, Spencer knew that at the end of the day, her mother would always be there. Especially when it had to do with the law. “Honey, why is she crying?” Her mother’s question brought her attention back to Emily. Even with the letter in mind, Spencer couldn’t leave behind her protective nature. She didn’t have time to think about what the letter meant. All she could focus on was protecting Emily.

“He accused her of killing Alison,” Spencer said as she moved across the space between Emily and herself. The anger that she felt, the disgust for Wilden, was held in the tone of her voice. She wrapped her arm around Emily’s back and put her other hand on her arm. Spencer’s hand ran up and down Emily’s arm unconsciously as she saw her mother’s eyes widen in shock.

“What?”

“He went through her purse and now he’s accusing…” Aria started, the anger wasn’t just in Spencer, but it flowed through all the girls.

“Hold it. Hold it. You’re questioning minors without an adult present? What police department do you work for? What century are you in?”

“Ma’am I would advise you –“

“Oh, no, I would advise you to back off. Because anything that they’ve said to you is inadmissible in a courtroom, period. Let’s go. Emily, honey, grab your things. What were you thinking?”

Each one of the girls took something from the table where Wilden had torn apart Emily’s purse. Spencer could still hear her mother going off on Detective Wilden as they left the room.

Emily’s gaze stayed on the floor. Her hands were trembling. She was in cruise control as the other girls quickly rushed her out of the door. 

* * *

It wasn’t until it was announced that the SAT’s would be postponed that Spencer had time to think about what had happened. Her mom had answered all her questions about Detective Wilden and the other two girls had gone to comfort Emily. She needed time to think before she could talk to anyone else. Spencer had seen how Aria and Hanna stared at her after the confession. She could almost see their minds spinning as they tried to figure her out. Luckily for Spencer, her poker face was almost golden.

She hadn’t used it too much though; instead her look of confusion covered all the bases.

Spencer knew that the only gaze that mattered was Emily’s. The girl had barely looked at her after the confession. All Spencer got was side looks and glances from Emily. The shy, timid girl Spencer only knew before Alison took her under her wing had replaced the normally outgoing Emily that Spencer knew now. Emily hadn’t said anything to her before she ran off to the bathroom after leaving the library.

 _Oh, Emily_.

For being so intelligent, Spencer felt so _stupid_ sometimes. She should have seen this before it had gotten to a point of shame with Emily. Spencer hated knowing that these feelings… that Alison had used them to her advantage. How could she have been so blind to not even see that Emily had feelings other than friendship for her?

Spencer should have been able to see how Alison would always push Emily towards Spencer with a knowing, almost mocking smile on her face. She should have been able to see what Emily’s lingering hugs actually meant. But instead Spencer Hastings had seen nothing until all the memories started flooding back into her mind.

“Hey.” The male voice shook her out of her trailing thoughts and back into reality.

“Oh… hi,” she said with no expression on her face. What was she supposed to say to Alex? That one of her best friends had just confessed love for her? No, they were _definitely_ not at that part of the relationship.

Alex leaned in for a kiss and instead Spencer did something that surprised them both. She turned her cheek, the kiss clearly not landing where Alex had planned it.

“Is everything alright?” He asked, the confusion clearly evident in his voice. Just a few hours ago, Spencer had so willingly made out with him near the lockers and now she couldn’t even bring herself to kiss him.

“Nothing, nothing. Sorry, just not feeling good.” The excuse was as good as any. “I think Em, I mean Emily has some Advil. Can we talk later?” Spencer took his nod as a response and she was able to walk off without another word. She wouldn’t feel right kissing him when she was so desperately confused about the entire Emily situation.

Spencer knew that if she talked about it; if she really allowed herself to think about it, that there could be some truth to her own feelings for Emily. Maybe it wasn’t just friendship that she felt for the other girl. _No, you don’t have those feelings. You’re just confused. Don’t make this about you._   

* * *

“Em?”

Emily didn’t even need to respond, she didn’t know _how_ to respond. If only she could have gone back 24 hours and changed everything. She wouldn’t have gone to the memorial and then Spencer would have never found about her feelings. Everything would be back to normal.

Yet, no matter how she wished to go back, Emily couldn’t deny the relief in her chest now that it was out in the open. Her deepest, darkest secret wasn’t so dark anymore. Instead light had been shined on it and nothing terribly evil had happened.

“I wish I had known. Hey… look,” Aria said. Hanna stood behind her with her arms crossed. Emily wished that someone had known, someone that _wasn’t_ Alison and wouldn’t have played it so bluntly against her at times. If Emily hadn’t waited so long to say something, then maybe this wouldn’t have been as difficult. Maybe it would have been better. Even if Emily wished, there was no good with the “what ifs”, all that mattered was the now and how they were taking it in the present.

Neither of the girls had a look of pity on their face. Neither looked disgusted with her. Instead they looked concerned and Emily felt _accepted_. “Spencer loves you, Em. I don’t know if it’s in the way that you want her to, but I know she does.”

“You obviously have a type,” Hanna chirped in.

“Hanna,” Aria whispered harshly as Emily just looked towards the blonde.

“Look at Spencer and Maya. They’re both brunette and sassy,” Hanna said with a slight shoulder shrug. “Don’t get me wrong, Em, I know Spencer’s hot and everything, but why not me? I’m blonde and hot and—“

“Oh god, shut up Hanna.”

It was the first thing Emily had said and it was said with a laugh. That had to be a step in the right direction.  Even Hanna hadn’t seemed upset with it, instead there was a smile on each of the girl’s faces. Leave it to Hanna to be the only one able to get them out of the funk and back to smiling.

“But seriously Em, you don’t have to worry. Spencer can be… well _Spencer_ , but there’s no way that this will change anything if you don’t want it to,” Aria reassured with a true smile.

The door squeaked slightly as it was opened. The smile slowly slipped from Emily’s face as Spencer walked in the room looking more anxious than she did. “Hey,” Spencer spoke before anyone else had a chance. “Can we talk alone?” Spencer asked with her gaze directed at Emily.

It was now or never and Emily didn’t think she could handle the _never_. She just nodded her head as Spencer walked towards her slowly. “Call me later?” Aria asked, her hand lingered for a moment on Emily’s shoulder to make sure that this would be fine for the both of them. “Hanna,” Aria whispered as she got up and Hanna had just managed to make herself look more comfortable against the wall.

“What?” The blonde asked confused as she crinkled her eyebrows together.

“They want to be alone,” Aria said as she grabbed Hanna’s arm. Hanna mumbled something about wanting to see the action before it was just the two of them left in the room.

Emily’s eyes stayed on the ground for a few moments before she heard Spencer start to speak. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have let Ali… I’m sorry, Em,” Spencer spoke softly. Nothing about this situation made Spencer want to shy away from Emily or not be her friend. If anything, Spencer only felt more protective about Emily. She hated knowing that Alison had tortured Emily with this for so long. If only she had been able to do something about it, if only she had realized it before.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Emily said shyly as she stayed still, not wanting to chance anything by moving. “I’m so embarrassed.”

Spencer cocked her head slightly at the words. “Emily. This isn’t going to change anything you know that right? You’re still my best friend.”

“Spencer. Do we have to talk about it?” Emily asked. It had already been too much for the day. Even though she knew that Spencer wouldn’t give up (it was something that she _really_ liked about the girl), it couldn’t hurt to ask.

“Emily.”

“Please?” The amount of hurt in Emily’s voice made Spencer want to cry.

“Okay, okay,” Spencer gave in. She wouldn’t push the issue any longer tonight. “I do love you, Em. Nothing’s gonna change that. I promise. If I would have known before, I would have made Alison stop.”

“I know.”

There was a moment of silence before Spencer reached across the small space between the two of them and grabbed Emily’s hand tightly. She just wanted Emily to know that she wasn’t alone; she’d never be alone.

Emily could feel her heart rate rise quickly at the contact between her and the other girl. Part of her wished that Spencer would just hate her; it would have been easier that way. Instead, here she was holding Emily’s hand and it only made it harder for Emily to contain her feelings. If Emily had thinking straight, she wouldn’t have done what she did next. If Spencer hadn’t held her hand, Emily would have never thought about doing this. Emily was so infatuated by the other girl; she just couldn’t help herself.

It only took a moment for her to close the distance between the two of them and press her lips against Spencer’s softly. The thing that surprised Emily the most wasn’t that Spencer let her kiss her (because Spencer could have turned away), but that Spencer’s thumb began to rub against top of Emily’s hand.

The kiss only lasted a few seconds before Spencer pulled away with a sigh. Emily tried to see what the girl was thinking through her facial expressions, but Spencer’s eyes were still shut and her forehead was crinkled slightly. It reminded Emily of the look Spencer got when she was trying to figure out a difficult problem. Not a math problem or a science problem. No, this type of concentration was saved for questions that made Spencer think hard.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at school. Text me when you get home, okay?” Spencer asked without giving the kiss a second thought. Emily just nodded and Spencer had to force her eyes away from the blush that filled Emily’s face. She had to force herself out of the room quickly before she found more comfort in Emily. She didn’t even know what the kiss had meant to her. She wouldn’t allow herself to confuse Emily more. Spencer didn’t know what to think. All she knew was that there was a stirring in her gut and a lightness that filled her while Emily had kissed her. There would be time in her bedroom that night to think about it. Right now, she just needed to get out of the room before she could do anything else that might ruin their friendship.

This was a question without a right answer. The question wasn’t black and white; the lines weren’t drawn yet. Even Spencer Hastings couldn’t answer this question.

And knowing that gave Emily a bit of hope. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any reviews would be great! this is my first pll fanfiction (and my first fanfiction in years).


	2. When Darkness Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set during 1x11. will begin following more consistent timeline in next few chapters.

* * *

There was a silent agreement between Emily and Spencer that they wouldn’t talk about the kiss. The day after the kiss in the classroom, each of the girls went back to their normal routines. Even Aria and Hanna seemed to sense the unspoken agreement of pretending that Emily didn’t have feelings for Spencer. It didn’t mean the other girls wanted to agree to keep it quiet. Hanna didn’t like it one bit. Emily could see her get slightly irritated each time they were all together and there was nothing else that happened.

It wasn’t until the car hit Hanna that the agreement was broken.

“Stay the night?” Spencer asked softly after Aria had already driven off. Her arms were crossed. As hard as Spencer had been trying to keep it together, she knew that she wouldn’t last much longer. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep alone after what happened.” Spencer knew that she could have asked Aria to stay the night or even the both of the girls, but something inside of Spencer just wanted the comfort of Emily. She wanted to be able to sleep and she knew that she’d be able to with Emily by her side.

“Yeah, of course,” Emily answered with a quick nod. She didn’t have to think twice about it. After everything that had happened that night, she didn’t want to be alone either. “Let me just text my mom that I’m staying over.”

* * *

“Spencer, stop.” Emily begged softly as she pulled out the extra pillows from the closet. Spencer had spent the better part of the last 15 minutes checking and rechecking the windows to make sure nobody was outside. “Nothing is going to happen tonight.”

“Someone hit Hanna with a _car_.” The reply was sharp and it made Emily flinch visibly. “Sorry,” Spencer said with a small sigh. That wasn’t what she had meant to say, but snark was one of her main coping mechanisms. “I didn’t mean—It’s just been a long night.” Emily nodded at the apology before she went back and pulled out the spare comforter to set on the floor.

“What are you doing?” Spencer asked with a hint of confusion in her voice.

“I’m just getting ready for bed.”

“You’re not going to sleep in the bed?” Spencer asked with a slight shake evident in her voice. It stopped Emily’s in her tracks. Spencer tried to hide the disappointment in her voice. She thought that had been one of the points of Emily sleeping over. If Emily slept on the floor, Spencer would just spend the night worrying that the other girl wasn’t sleeping or she was uncomfortable.

“I didn’t think that you’d…” Emily trailed off thinking about the kiss that they had shared only a week prior. Her gaze fell to Spencer’s bed before she looked back at the other girl expectantly.

“Well I do.”

* * *

There was a minute of awkward silence in the bed after the both slid beneath the blankets. Emily knew she shouldn’t be uncomfortable; she had slept in Spencer’s bed numerous times before. It was different now though. Her heart was beating fast in her chest just at the near proximity to Spencer. Emily took quiet deep breaths to try and relax her heartbeat to be able to fall asleep. She had only started to relax when she could hear the quieted sniffling of Spencer. “Spence?” she asked concerned as she turned around in the bed to be able to face the other girl.

“I’m fine… I’m fine,” Spencer lied as she tried to turn her face away from Emily’s gaze. Hopefully in the dark Emily wouldn’t be able to see the tears that were slowly making their way down her face.

“Stop, it’s okay,” Emily said. “You can cry; it’s okay.” The reassuring words only broke Spencer’s resistance and she could feel the tears run faster down her face. “She’s going to be okay, Spencer. Hanna’s is going to be fine.” Before Emily could say anything else, Spencer had slid across the space between them in the bed and begun to awkwardly try to curl into Emily’s body. “Spencer,” Emily said as she sat up in the bed and coaxed Spencer into a more comfortable embrace. “It’s fine. You’re fine. Hanna’s fine. Shhh.” Emily wasn’t used to being the reassuring one in their friendship. Usually it was Spencer that was the “strong” one. Usually it was Spencer that kept it all together and could see the logical side of things. Emily knew that she had to step it up and be the one that Spencer could rely on. The other girl needed her. Wasn’t that what Emily had wanted all along? It felt a lot worse than she had ever expected it to.

“Em.”

Spencer sounded so broken and fragile. Emily couldn’t help but try and soothe her more. Her shushes and whispers of comfort increased. Emily pressed kisses against Spencer’s head as her hands rubbed soothing circles against Spencer’s back. “I can’t stand to see you like this.” The whispered confession seemed to snap Spencer out of her need for comfort and back into thinking clearer. Spencer wanted to kick herself for being so selfish when Emily had gone through the same thing that she had. If anything, Emily and Hanna were closer than Hanna and Spencer. She should have been the one to comfort Emily, but instead she had allowed herself to be selfish and weak. Spencer pulled away slowly from the embrace. She could feel the blush rising from her chest as she realized how vulnerable she had been.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-“

“Don’t apologize” Emily whispered as she reached to wipe the tears off Spencer’s face. The moonlight lit the strong features of Spencer’s face. Her sharp jawline and curve of her cheekbones were only highlighted in the small light that came in from the windows. Within a moment, Emily’s heart swelled in her chest. She could hear her heartbeat and was almost positive that Spencer could hear it as well. Her thumb trailed softly against Spencer’s cheekbone as her fingers spread slightly against her jaw. “Spence.” Emily needed Spencer to stop her. Her eyes were staring at Spencer’s slightly opened lips. She could imagine exactly how they felt and, _oh god,_ she wanted to feel them against her own lips once again.  

Spencer shook lightly as she took a deep breath in. She didn’t know if it was because it was late or that she had just cried, but her inhibitions had fallen away. The walls that Spencer kept up had fallen away for the night and she wouldn’t deny herself the comfort in Emily’s embrace. She leaned into Emily’s touch, her eyes closing for a moment as she let herself be lulled by Emily’s soft caresses of her face.

It might have been the most relaxed, genuine version of Spencer Hastings that Emily had ever seen. This wasn’t a side that Emily had seen in more than glimpses before. Spencer was leaning into her touch and Emily could feel the shift in the room. This was no longer just for comfort; there were stronger emotions at play.

“Tell me to stop,” Emily begged again. “If you don’t want… tell me to stop.”

But Spencer didn’t want Emily to stop. Instead her hands moved to cup Emily’s face slowly as she took in the other girl. “I can’t do that,” she said quietly as her eyes glanced around Emily’s face. She could see the soft curve of her cheek and feel the softness of her skin under her fingertips. It was different than just seeing Emily from afar or even up close as a friend. This was taking in the other girl. Spencer was absolutely inhaling the other girl. It was different than anything Spencer had ever experienced before. Even with Ian, Wren and Alex, she had never felt this intensity, this level of intimacy and they hadn’t even kissed yet.

Spencer’s breath begin to intertwine with her Emily’s and Emily knew the battle had been lost. Her eyes flickered from Spencer’s eyes to her lips. She licked her lips slightly before she leaned to kiss Spencer. Spencer’s lips connected with hers before she could close the distance between them.  It wasn’t just a soft kiss like before in the library. No, this was far different. Within moments, Spencer’s hands were no longer lingering gently on her face. Now one hand had begun to twist in her hair and the other holding on her neck. It felt like a dream to Emily. Not only was she kissing Spencer, no, Spencer was kissing her back. It wasn’t just in pity or how it had been in the library; there was a certain need to Spencer’s kiss. Emily felt more than wanted; it was almost that Spencer _needed_ to be kissing Emily. She wouldn’t allow herself to forget this moment.

Kissing Spencer was completely different than kissing Maya. It wasn’t as awkward and she didn’t feel the need to impress Spencer in the way she did Maya. She didn’t have to hide anything from Spencer. In the moment, she didn’t feel the need to hold back. Instead, Emily was able to speak through her lips and it let her just _be_.

It was moments later that Emily finally pulled away from the kiss. Breathing was difficult as she took the other girl in. Even in the darkness, Emily had never seen Spencer look as beautiful. She could see the fast rise and fall in Spencer’s chest. It wasn’t only her that was having difficult breathing. Spencer’s hair was messed slightly. Emily could feel the other girl’s hand still twirling within her hair. None of it was uncomfortable and Emily was flushed with all the emotions that had ran through her body in the small course of time. Her heart beat furiously in her chest as she felt a new rush of emotion. It was different from the comfort and arousal that came with kissing Spencer. This was something fully genuine and kissing Spencer had just intensified the feeling even more. “I love you.” Her eyes were wide in the night as the words slipped out of her mouth of their own accord. She felt Spencer tense underneath her hands at the words and she mentally kicked herself for saying it.

It was true, but it was obviously not what Spencer had wanted to hear.

“Don’t say that, Em,” Spencer begged softly. She could feel the tears starting to rise to the surface. “Just don’t say that. I can’t.”

The thought of being loved by Emily absolutely terrified Spencer. The emotion and honesty in those words had terrified Spencer. Everything could change. If those words were true, everything would change. If she allowed herself to love Emily back… no. She didn’t feel that way. This was just out of comfort. The more she thought about it, the harder she had to work to convince herself that her feelings for Emily were only of friendship. If they talked about kissing, then Spencer would have to face it and she didn’t think she could.

The desperate sound in Spencer’s voice made Emily want to cry. Instead she just pressed her mouth against Spencer’s again. This time it was desperate; it was an apology. No matter how silly it sounded, Emily knew she was kissing Spencer as an apology for loving her.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry, just forget it,” Emily said softly before attaching her lips against Spencer’s again. She could feel Spencer tremble beneath her hands and she wished she could take what she said back. Spencer’s hands had lost their grip against Emily. It was in that moment that Emily knew that she wouldn’t get the moments back and the mood had switched for the night. There was a moment of silence after Spencer pulled back from the kiss. Emily was terrified that what she had said would be the ultimate downfall of their friendship.

“I can’t lose you.” Spencer’s hands trailed back down Emily’s sides and wrapped around her back. Her face buried in Emily’s neck as she felt the hot tears reappear in her eyes. “I almost lost Han… I can’t lose you. I’m sorry.”

“You won’t. I promise.”

* * *

“And then you guys just slept?” Hanna asked. “God, it was just getting good and you just went to bed?”

“Hanna,” Emily said shaking her head as she leaned against the hospital bed that she laid in with Hanna. She needed someone to talk to and after both the other girls had left, it was easy to spill her guts to Hanna about everything that had happened the night before.

“Fine, right,” Hanna said before turning to face Emily more in the bed. “Should I be insulted that instead of staying here all night, the two of you almost hooked up—”

“We did _not_ almost hook up.”

“ _Almost hooked up_ ,” Hanna repeated with a slight smirk on her face. “Or should I feel honored that I did a part in helping you get kissed? I mean, I know I’m important and everything, but damn. I never thought that me getting hit by a car would have an upside.”

Hanna could sense the shift in the emotions in the room as she said that. Her eyes kept locked on Emily as she saw the other girl sink down further into the bed. “Are you going to tell me what’s really the matter or should I just keep going?” Hanna asked with a slight tilt of her head.

“It’s just…” Emily sighed. Her fingers began to fumble with the bed sheet as she allowed herself to think what she really needed to say. “She kissed me. And I _know_ she felt something, but then she pulled away.”

“Em.”

“It’s not just that, Hanna. I’m seeing Maya now and I like her and-“

“And you can’t really be with Maya while you still like Spencer, right?” Hanna finished the sentence for Emily. Emily could only nod shyly. Goodness, how pathetic did she seem right then? Here Hanna was lying in a hospital bed after being _hit by a car_ and Emily was the one complaining about her love life.

“On the bright side, at least you’re not the one seeing our English teacher?” Hanna joked trying to lighten the situation.

“Yeah, but at least Aria knows what she wants,” Emily shrugged as her head lulled back to rest against the wall. “ _Who_ she wants.”

Hanna could only sigh at Emily’s words. It hurt her to see her best friend in so much pain. The fact that the pain was caused by Hanna’s _other_ best friend only made it worse. There wasn’t anything Hanna could say that would make it better. Her jokes hadn’t worked. Instead, she just laid her head against Emily’s shoulder and just let herself be there for Emily.

Deep in Emily’s gut, she knew that she couldn’t hide who she was anymore. Even for Spencer.


	3. Erasing The Past

* * *

So much had happened since the night that Spencer kissed Emily.

As soon as she found out that Emily had came out to her parents, Spencer knew that she wouldn’t be able to kiss Emily again. The first time she told she couldn’t kiss Emily again was by Hanna. Spencer could see the side looks Hanna had been shooting her for a while, but she never thought that Hanna would be the one to talk to her about everything that happened that night. It hadn’t been a long conversation—or really even a conversation at all.

“ _I love you, Spence. But she’s happy now. Can we just let her be happy?”_

Spencer had taken Hanna’s words in full force. She wouldn’t let herself be the cause of Emily’s unhappiness. Instead, Spencer pushed aside any memory of the kisses and any _feelings_ she might have started to develop for the other girl. She needed to focus on college and figuring out who A was. It felt like a slap in the face when A broke her and Alex up. Spencer had thrown herself into the relationship after her kiss with Emily. She could have been happy with Alex. It was one of the main reasons she had wanted to get intimate with him so quickly. Maybe that would cause a large spark in their relationship. It would have been perfect to go away for a weekend with him. Then she’d be away from Rosewood and finally actually be able to forget everything, even if it would have just been for a weekend.

_Point, set, match! We both know he’s not the one you want to kiss. –xo A._

It wasn’t bad enough that A had broken her and Alex up, but as soon as she got home, Melissa and Ian had gotten married. Now, Spencer didn’t even feel safe in her house. Ian was always there, but Melissa looked happy. And Spencer apparently was in the field of making everyone else happy lately.

Did it make her a horrible person that she was almost relieved when Maya was being sent away to boot camp? It made her feel like the worst sorts of person. Especially when she saw how devastated it made Emily. The look on Hanna’s face was priceless when she told the girl that she would offer up her bedroom for Maya and Emily for a night. It felt strange, but the right thing to do. Spencer’s actions had to compensate for her thoughts. If you fake being okay long enough, then you became okay. That was the way Spencer Hastings had been raised and she had to believe it, didn’t she?

The becoming Emily’s comforter concerning Maya the night of the dance was when it became too much for Spencer. She wished that it would have been Aria or Hanna that found Emily upset outside after talking to Maya. Instead, Spencer had to be the one to comfort Emily. She had to put the fake smile on her face and act accordingly to how Emily felt. Once Spencer could see the hurt in Emily’s eyes, the entire dynamic of the situation changed. She wanted Emily to be happy. That’s why everything was happening the way it was. Emily deserved to be happy. And Maya made her happy, so that was what was important. It didn’t matter about the stinging inside her chest when Emily talked about Maya. None of it mattered if Emily was happy. Spencer was just being selfish. And it made her feel awful about being happy that Maya was being sent away. All the dislike she had felt towards Maya had shifted into absolute shame. Her anger had been misplaced. She didn’t dislike Maya, she disliked herself for not being more like Maya. Her happiness of Maya being sent away was absolutely wrong and it made Spencer feel disgusted with herself.

Her emotions were only heightened when Emily was drunk. This Emily was different than the normally sweet girl she was accustomed to. This Emily was brutally honest and had an edge. The pain Emily was feeling over Maya was pouring out of her. There was no sugar coating and Spencer wanted to get Emily home as quickly as possible. She didn’t know if she would be able to handle the honest truth about her. She didn’t think she could handle it.

At least Hanna had agreed to spend the night along with Emily, Spencer didn’t want to be alone with Emily _and_ Ian in the same house. She honestly couldn’t tell which conversation alone with one of them would have been worse.  

* * *

Spencer tried to tiptoe around her room after the dance. Emily had too much to drink and she didn’t want to wake her from the slumber that had finally taken over her. She pulled out some extra pajamas for Hanna and herself. They had decided to just let Emily have the bed and share the space on the floor once they decided to go to bed. There was more that Spencer needed to talk about and she wouldn’t be able to sleep until she knew Ian wasn’t going to be lurking around her house.

She froze as she heard the bed sheets crinkling. Her face crinkled as she slowly turned around. The last thing she wanted was to wake up Emily. After everything she had been through that night, Emily deserved to be able to sleep. The relief flooded through her body as she saw the other girl was still sound asleep. She definitely wasn’t ready to deal with drunken Emily again that night. There was too much honesty and hurt within her.

A small smile appeared on Spencer’s face as she saw how comfortably the other girl was sleeping. Even if it was because Emily was drunk, Spencer was glad that she was able to sleep. She set the pajamas down on the foot of the bed before she sat next to the brunette.

Emily’s face was without any tension or emotion. Her hair had lost some of its curls, but it still fell almost perfectly around her face. There was just a piece of hair that was right across Emily’s face.  Spencer reached to brush the hair away and found her hand frozen in place right before touching Emily. Her breath trembled slightly as she gently wiped her fingers across the piece of hair pushing it to the side. She tucked the piece behind Emily’s ear as slowly as she could. She told herself it was to make sure she didn’t wake Emily, but it wasn’t that. Spencer knew deep down that she just wanted to keep in contact with the other girl as long as she could.

She wondered how creepy it would seem to anyone else how peaceful she found just watching Emily sleep. The fact that Emily was sleeping so quietly in Spencer’s bed only made Spencer’s heart swell slightly more. Spencer wished she could wrap herself around Emily every night to make her sleep this comfortably, but she couldn’t. It wasn’t her place to be even having those thoughts. Spencer wished she could say the things she wanted to say to Emily. She wished that she could be brave for Emily. If she could be brave for Emily, then things would be different. For everything that Spencer believed herself to be, she knew deep down that she was a coward.

The thoughts consumed her mind and she couldn’t hear anything else. If she hadn’t been so deep in thought and just absolute admiration of Emily, Spencer would have noticed the door cracking open slightly. She would have been able to see Hanna almost enter the room before standing still in the doorway. She was too consumed to see or hear the other girl, but it was for the better. If she had seen Hanna there, the moment would have been ruined. This was entirely private and Spencer wouldn’t be able to admit the things she did if she would have known Hanna was there.

“I wish I was strong for you.” The words were true and it hurt to even say them out loud. All her life, Spencer had thrived to be the best. She had thrived to be the strongest, the smartest. Spencer wished she was all those things, but when it came down to the core, Spencer honestly wasn’t the best. Sure she had her knowledge, but she wasn’t brave or honest. She didn’t have everything under control. She wished she did, but she didn’t. “You deserve someone better who can do all the things I can’t.”

There were no tears in Spencer’s eyes. This wasn’t something she’d allow herself to be upset about again. It was just facts. Spencer had to accept this and move on. Spencer was used to doing that. It happened all the time in her family. She was expected to be the one to change their emotions to match what was happening. If Melissa needed the barn, then Spencer had to give it to her. It had been that way since she was a kid. It would be easier to just forget that she had ever wanted Emily in the first place.

 “I’m sorry,” Spencer whispered quietly to the sleeping girl on the bed. Spencer leaned down and pressed a longing kiss to Emily’s forehead. Spencer had to move on. She had to forget about everything she felt for Emily and block out that part of her life. It would be the best thing for the two of them. “I’m sorry, Em.”

The sight was just about the saddest thing Hanna had ever seen.

* * *

“Just some snarky comment about me being gay.”

“I will destroy her.” 

Spencer had always ben protective, but the absolute hatred she felt at the moment for Paige McCullers was way more than she usually felt. She didn’t want to just threaten Paige, she wanted to literally _destroy_ her.

It was so easy to go to Emily’s coach and tell her what had happened. Spencer felt vindicated. She had done her job to protect Emily. She would lie and say it was because Paige deserved it, but Spencer did it for Emily. She wouldn’t allow anyone to say anything to hurt Emily. This was a way to make sure Paige knew that it wasn’t acceptable to threaten Emily at all. Spencer knew that Paige wanted to go to college and to do that for swimming, she had to keep her reputation up. It wouldn’t be a good thing at all if she were kicked off the team. Spencer knew that this could cause Paige her position and to see the absolute destruction of the other girl would make Spencer know that Emily was safe.

It wasn’t until Emily found out that Spencer realized she had made a mistake.

_“I’m not some helpless little lamb.”_

_“I know that, but you’re my friend and I didn’t want her to get away with it.”_

_“Well, I can stand up for myself.”_

_“You never did before.”_

_“Wow. Thank you for making sure my feelings didn’t get hurt. Because you obviously are the best one for that job.”_

She could see the hurt in Emily’s eyes at her words. Spencer hadn’t meant for it to sound like that. She knew Emily could stand up for herself, but Spencer had to protect her. To even consider that Emily might just let Paige off the hook made Spencer so angry. But she knew she shouldn’t have said the thing about Emily not standing up for herself. It only brought more anger out in Emily and Spencer knew why. She was ashamed as Emily left.

Who was she to make sure Emily’s feelings didn’t get hurt when she was the one who had hurt them so many times before.

Even when she knew Emily was mad at her, she was the first person Spencer called when she heard the bead woman say her name. Why had someone used her name? It clicked about the photo. It wasn’t to intrigue the girls; it was to frame Spencer.

Someone wanted everyone to think Spencer had killed Alison.

Spencer had to tell the other girls. Even if it meant admitting one of her greatest fears, she had to do it. It surprised Spencer how easily Emily was to forgive her when Spencer apologized at her house. It was even before Spencer told them it was her in the photograph. Emily’s hand had been on her back and rubbed comfortingly as Spencer had told the story. It allowed Spencer to focus and not freeze. It allowed Spencer to be completely honest and she was thankful for that. 

* * *

_“Are you sure he even wants you to come back?”_

“ _Yeah, I think he does.”_

Spencer hadn’t missed the hint of jealousy in Emily’s voice, but she had to remind herself that she promised not to have those feelings about Emily anymore. If she gave in to Emily, it would just make it harder in the long run. Spencer had to stay strong and ignore the jealousy. Pretend like it wasn’t there. Pretend that non of the feelings were there.

Toby was the first one to make Spencer think she could actually forget about Emily. She had been so wrong about him. He wasn’t creepy. He was weirdly sweet and kind. Even after all the terrible things they had done to him, Toby was willing to talk to her. He was willing to sit and even laugh with her. If that had been Spencer, she wouldn’t have been so forgiving.

Toby was honest and sweet. He reminded her of Emily and it was probably what attracted her to him in the first place. He wasn’t someone that she could see all of. He was a mystery, a puzzle that she hadn’t figured out yet. She thought she had, but she hadn’t. He was completely different than her first impression. He didn’t match the image on the box. It was frustrating, but that’s what made Spencer interested. Spencer wasn’t one for boring. And Toby definitely wasn’t boring.

He frustrated her and wasn’t afraid to push her buttons. When they played Scrabble together, she had first seen it. Toby had laughed at her. She knew he could tell that it had bothered her, but he wasn’t going to let her win. It had started out as a mission to see what Jenna was doing, but it turned into something more. She could feel the tension in the room and it didn’t make her uncomfortable. That surprised her. She felt comfortable enough to sleep in the same bed next to him and fully sleep. It wasn’t only a half doze. She slept.

Then he had kissed her. And she had liked it.

Maybe she truly was moving on from Emily.

* * *

Of course it was when everything seemed to be getting better that it all turned out worse.

How could the police think that she would ever hurt Alison?

Spencer couldn’t even process that the police thought she killed Alison. It made her stomach twist and turn. Even her own family seemed like they thought she was guilty. It was too much for Spencer to handle alone. Even with her friends, Spencer knew they wouldn’t understand. They all had separate things to think about.

Spencer found herself leaning more on Toby. He understood exactly what she was going through. The police had trailed him before. Everyone had been convinced he was guilty. Spencer only felt guiltier the more the police focused on her. She was one of the reasons that he had been put through the same thing. She was one of the main things that had caused him all the suffering. There was something that made her trust him.

“ _Do me a favor. If you ever get the urge to run away again, call me first, okay?”_

He was sweet and cared about her. Spencer needed that. She needed to be cared about. In the back of her mind though, Spencer wished it were Emily comforting her. She wished it was Emily who was over at her house, talking to her sweetly and making sure she was alright.

He cared and believed her. And for now, that was exactly what she needed to have.

After she was locked in the haunted house, Spencer wished it had been Emily outside. She needed the comfort. She had forgot about all the expectations that her parents had. Even with her mom there, Spencer was sick of doing everything right. By sneaking around, she had been locked in a room. She was sick of not being able to do the things she wanted to do. If Emily had been there, Spencer would have kissed her. Instead, it was Toby. And Spencer really liked him. She really did. And she wouldn’t keep herself from kissing him.

She was done being afraid.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at this point, i'm just uploading this here because i upload it on fanfiction. if anyone reads this and wants to keep this on here, just let me know :)


	4. Fall On Me

"Now, Melissa would want me to take care of this. She'll understand."

"You going to take care of me like you took care of Alison? Is that why you killed her? Because she found your home movies?" Fear raced through Spencer like she had never felt before. There was a look in Ian's eyes that she had never seen in _anyone's_ before. There was no good in them, just evil. Anything that kept him looking human before was gone.

"Want some popcorn to go with that?"

Spencer threw the flash drive as hard as she could in the opposite direction. She remembered reading somewhere that people would rather go after the valuable thing rather than chase after the victim. Her hope that it would work on Ian came true. It gave her valuable seconds to run in the opposite direction of the flash drive. Her bag was long forgotten on the floor. In fact, everything besides getting away from Ian was forgotten. She found herself running without a real way to go. If she had thinking clear and not filled with absolute fear, she would have realized she was doing everything that she hated in horror movies. IT was easy to be the 'stupid' girl when you were running for your life. Spencer was running up the stairs and still in the church, the exact opposite of what she should have done. She fumbled around for a moment in the pastor's office before opening the door in the back. Everything was dark and she had no choice to go up. Maybe Ian wouldn't find her. All Spencer knew was that she had to get away and fast.

Nothing good would come if Ian found her.

There was never a question of which of the girls she would call while she was running up the stairs. It had to be Emily. She knew that the other girl would answer. All she knew was that she couldn't look back. She had to keep going until she couldn't run anymore. It wasn't until she reached the top that she realized her mistake. She was trapped and she couldn't risk going back down the stairs. No, that would be the way he followed her up. "Come on, come on," she whispered as she pulled against the elevators door.

A screech came out of her mouth as she opened the door and there was her worst fear facing her dead on. The grin on Ian's face… it only terrified her further. She turned to run as quickly as she could, but he grabbed ahold of her from behind. Terrified, Spencer stop struggling for a moment. Her body was frozen as she breathed heavily against the tight grip Ian had over her.

"I gave you the videos," she begged as she started to be able to move again. She struggled against the grip, but the fear was still too much that she couldn't fight much harder. She wished she could fight harder. Instead, she did the only thing she knew how to do. She could talk and try to reason with him. He wouldn't kill her if he knew he couldn't get away with it. He couldn't do anything with people knowing where she was. "My mom knows I'm here. She knows I'm in the church." The words came out angry at the end, almost threatening. Ian couldn't do anything to her. Her mom knew she was there. Someone would find her. Maybe her biggest fear wasn't dying; maybe it was having nobody ever know what happened to her, just like with Alison.

"You picked the perfect place for your suicide."

The words chilled her to the bone and she begun to fight stronger. There it was. She had no doubt that Ian meant to kill her. She couldn't die. Not now. She struggled against his grip. Her fingers dug into his jacket. All she wanted was to get free. That was all she could think about and all she could focus on doing. She broke free of his embrace and for a moment there was a glimpse of hope, but just as soon as she was free, she was pushed to the ground. She collided with a loud thud and whimpers of pain begun to escape her mouth. The wind had been knocked out of her lungs, but she had to get up. She had to keep fighting. She wouldn't let him win. He _couldn't_ win.

But he was on top of her as soon as she could think about getting up. His hands were balled into fists against her jacket. His grip held her down.

"You didn't mean to hurt Alison. It was an accident. You pushed her and she fell." His words were said with such passion and it was clear that he had convinced himself that was true.

"Is that what happened?" Her curiosity over ruled out anything else. Maybe this was a way for her to get him to admit that he had killed Alison. Someone would come and she would be safe. It had to happen. She wouldn't die here. She couldn't die here.

Spencer was lifted off the floor and shoved back against the elevator door. Whimpers of pain escaped her mouth at the push she had taken. The way Ian looked at her. He was the wolf and she was his prey. There was no mercy in his eyes. She knew that her words weren't doing any good, but she wouldn't go down without a fight.

"She just, she hit her head and she never woke up." His words sounded convinced and like he truly believed that it was what happened. But Spencer had to be right; it was one of her biggest faults. Even in truly life or death situations, things like that wouldn't slip by her.

"Alison died of suffocation." Ian grabbed her again before he pushed her hard against the railing of the bell tower. The fear lit in Spencer's eyes as her back braced against the already giving piece of wood. Her eyes were wide and she tried to grab on as tightly as she could to Ian. She didn't want to die.

"The letter I wrote on your computer won't answer all the questions. It'll answer enough. The guilt was just too much for you." Ian pushed her again and the wood broke away. All Ian needed to do was push her hard enough and she would be dead. There was no containing herself anymore. The fear came out in every way possible.

"Please, if you love my sister, you won't do this." Spencer had to keep him from pushing her off the tower. If they kept talking, then he couldn't push her. Her heels were off the floor and pressed against just air as she tried to keep herself balanced against Ian.

"I'm doing it because I love her."

It only took a little push and Spencer felt herself begin to fall backwards. All that kept her from falling to her death was her grip against Ian's shirt. Her arms banged hard against the floor as the rest of her body hung over the ledge.

There was so much more that Spencer had to do. She had to go to graduate high school; she had to go to college. She had all her life ahead of her. All she had done was follow the rules and try to make her family proud. It seemed like a waste as she dangled from the edge. There was so much to live for. She had to live. All the mistakes she had made came rushing back into her memory. The biggest one was how much she screwed up with Emily. All her inhibitions about being with the other girl seemed pointless now,

"Let go of me." Spencer could hear the fear in Ian's voice. Her grip was still tight against his shirt. She wouldn't let go, even if it meant taking him down with her.

"Please. Please don't." The whimpers came out of her mouth. One hand stayed gripped on Ian and the other arm tried to wrap around one of the beams. But if Ian was able to push her, she knew she'd loose her balance and fall. Spencer had to beg for mercy. Spencer needed to live so that she could see everyone one last time. She had to live to kiss Emily again. To tell her how she felt. Her life felt so vain. She had never allowed herself to be free or do the things she wanted to do. Now it was too late. Nothing up to this could compare to this fear. "Don't, please."

It was funny how the want to live was never more than when you were about to die.

Then all of a sudden, there was someone else there. A spark of hope lit in Spencer.

"What are you doing here?" Ian was obviously confused, but Spencer couldn't think of anything but holding on for dear life. The shadow figure pushed Ian and Spencer released her hand from his shirt as fast as she could. She could hear him collide against the church bell. Her mind was still racing and her survival instinct still overpowered anything else. Her other hand reached to the beam and she slowly was able to pull herself back onto the floor. Her legs shook as she tried to push herself back up. IF she could just get up, then she would be safe.

As soon as she was on the floor, Spencer wrapped her arms and body against the post. She wouldn't let anyone else push her down. She felt frozen and the fear of knowing that Ian had di—she couldn't handle it. It was like her brain had shut off and all that was left was fear. She clung to the post for dear life. She wheezed in and out. The oxygen wasn't enough. It was like she was suffocating. Her heart was still racing and she trembled uncontrollably.

* * *

There were no words that could describe the fear in Emily as she raced to the church. The entire world stopped for her once she heard Spencer struggling at the other end of the phone call. They had to get to the church. If anything was to happen to Spencer… no. She couldn't even think about that Emily felt helpless as she listened to her best friend whimpering and begging for life. Her eyes welled with tears, but she knew she couldn't cry. There was no time for crying. She had to get to the church and Spencer had to be alive when she was there.

The last she had heard from the phone was begging and then the bell ringing. Her breath had caught and Emily couldn't get the ringing of the bells out of her head. Spencer couldn't be dead.

Emily rushed out of the car as soon as they were at the church. The car was still running, but Emily couldn't have cared less about the car. She had to get to Spencer. It was the only thought in her mind. It consumed her.

"Spencer!" her calls were mixed in with Aria's and Hanna's as they entered the church. Emily's heart sank as she saw Spencer's bag tossed on the floor. It wasn't a joke. This was real and it was terrifying.

The church bell was still ringing.

There was no reply at their calls. Nothing.

Emily could only breathe again when she saw Spencer clinging to the beam.

* * *

Spencer clung to Emily through the rest of the night. It hadn't mattered to Emily in the least, because she wouldn't have let Spencer out of her sight anyways.

Even through the police business and the strange talk with Garret, Spencer hadn't let her emotions get the best of her. She felt exhausted and completely drained. She just flowed with what was happening. Spencer knew that if she really thought about what had happened, all the emotion and fear would just come back up to the surface.

For the remainder of the night, Spencer felt numb. It was almost as if nothing was really happening to her. It was like she was an outsider looking into the entire situation. She didn't let herself feel the sting of what had happened that night. She had to push away the emotions. Luckily, that was something that Spencer was good at.

It wasn't until after their parents had agreed that they had talked enough for the night that Emily and Spencer got a chance to be alone. The other two girls had seen the looks exchanged between the two and made their way off to another bedroom to relax for a while Emily and Spencer had a moment to themselves.

The door wasn't fully shut before Spencer was in Emily's arms. Even though she had cried with the other two girls when they had found her in the church, this was different. This was after she had tried to brave. It was after her parents didn't seemed to believe her. This was private and intimate. Spencer could trust Emily and she could be honest about the evening without feeling any judgment or doubt.

"Spencer," Emily whispered as she felt her own emotions start to rise to the surface. Spencer just clung to Emily harder at the whisper. Spencer still felt stoic, even with Emily's arms around her neck.

"I almost died."

It was just a fact. There was no emotion behind her voice, just disbelief at everything that had happened in the night. Spencer was just moments from dying tonight and it wasn't something that someone could get over easily. It wasn't something that Emily could get over either. Spencer could feel the tension in the other girl and the absolute desperation in Emily's grip around her neck.

"You almost _died_ tonight," Emily repeated in a whimper against Spencer's neck as she clung to the other girl. She had wanted to be the strong one for Spencer tonight, but the emotions were hitting her hard in the moment. "I almost lost you." It was a terrifying thought. Even though she had said she had given up on her feelings for Spencer, Emily hadn't and it only became painfully obvious earlier that night. "I almost lost _you._ "

They were both broken. The braveness of Spencer was falling away as she was held for longer. The tears stayed away as the emotions slowly began to flow through her again. It wasn't as important to Spencer to accept it as it was for her to be the one to comfort Emily. Even though she had been the one who almost died, Spencer knew the enormous weight it had put on Emily. She could only imagine herself in Emily's shoes. She'd be terrified and absolutely shaken to her core if anything like this happened to the other girl.

Emily was hit hard again with the realization of what could have happened that night. She only pulled back from the embrace when she felt Spencer tense after she tried to wrap her arms around the girl's back.

"What's wrong?" She asked with a concerned face.

Spencer tried to shake off the question and turned to face the other way.

"Spencer, please."

"It's just my back," Spencer mumbled as she looked towards the ground. She didn't want to acknowledge in how much pain she was from the amount she had been tossed around in the night. "My back and neck are just sore."

There's a moment of silence while Emily tried to decide what to say. "Can I see?" The question was probably not the best to ask, but Spencer took a moment before nodding her head. After everything that had happened tonight, she remembered how important it was to let Emily into her life. The good _and_ the bad. And this was definitely the latter.

"I haven't even looked yet," Spencer answered honestly. "It can't be too bad." She raised her arms slowly before pulling off her shirt. She had been almost nude in from of Emily many times, but this wasn't even about being naked. She was literally opening herself up to Emily seeing her battle scars. Spencer took a breath before she turned slightly and saw her back in the reflection of the mirror. She winced noticeably. Spencer could feel the emotions start to come to the surface the more that she looked at the mirror. She looked away. Her fists were clenched tightly as she sat down on the bed. Even though she knew there wasn't anything to be ashamed of, Spencer didn't want to acknowledge what had happened. She didn't want Emily have to carry the weight of seeing the bruises. "I'm sorry, I should just—"

"Spence," she interrupted after the other girl started to speak. Emily slowly sat down. She crossed a leg underneath herself as she sat next to Spencer. Her fingers moved slowly and trailed down the bruises that had already begun to form on Spencer's pale back. She could clearly see where the railing had hit her back when it broke. Emily tried to trail her fingers as gently as possible over the bruises, feeling the heat that radiated from them. Her eyes were watering. The bruises just reminded her of the real possibility of her losing Spencer.

Emily had dealt with death before. They all had. When Alison disappeared, it had completely unraveled all of their friendship. But this was different. This was Spencer. If Spencer would have died, Emily knew that she would have never been able to get over it. Spencer had played such a pivotal role in her life for so long. Spencer was the first person that Emily really loved in a not friendship way. Spencer was the friend that she could rely on and knew would protect her. Emily could remember all the instances where she had been so _angry_ at Spencer for how protective she was, but Emily only wished that she would have been more protective of Spencer.

Emily's throat closed slightly as the tears rose. The strong wall that was shielding Spencer's emotions began to crack. Emily could feel the girl's breathing begin to deepen. The air in the room had changed. It wasn't only her that was crying.

The moment was so quiet and she knew that it meant a lot for Spencer to let her see the bruises. Emily's hand rose to push away Spencer's long hair to expose the right side of her neck. All she wanted to do was take away Spencer's pain, but she knew that it wasn't possible.

So she did the only thing she could think of. Her lips pressed lightly against the soft skin of Spencer's shoulder. Emily made sure to kiss above where the bruise was beginning to form. Spencer's entire body seemed to gravitate towards her kiss. Emily couldn't imagine not being able to kiss Spencer again. It wasn't worth the fight to stay away from Spencer. It didn't matter if Spencer didn't want to be seen in public or wanted to acknowledge their relationship outside of the two of them. Emily couldn't think of any of that. This was Spencer. This was the girl she _loved_ and she had almost died. It put everything in a different perspective. She needed to be able to kiss Spencer. Everything else seemed so trivial after the night. Her lips continued to press kisses against Spencer's shoulder and she only stopped when she reached Spencer's neck.

There was a moment of silence. Emily's hands were lightly resting on Spencer's hips. The moment was interrupted as Spencer's entire body began to shake slightly.

The emotions hit Spencer hard while Emily kissed her shoulder. She felt like she was beginning to fall apart. All the strength she had seemed to melt away under Emily's comfort. She didn't even put her shirt back on before she turned around and threw her arms around Emily's neck. Whimpers escaped Spencer's throat as she let the emotions take over. All the fear and terror that Spencer had gone through in the night rose to the surface. Spencer had to accept the emotions for them to go away. If she just pretended that she wasn't terrified, the fear would just stick with her. She had to let it go and Emily would gladly take it. She'd gladly take all the suffering Spencer had gone through if it meant the other girl was okay. Spencer knew that they were both badly shaken. The night had been rough on them both. This was what they needed. Spencer needed to just remember what it meant that she had survived and Emily needed the reassurance of the same thing.

"You're here, Spencer. I'm here. You're here," Emily reminded after each whimper. Everything was over. It was just the two of them in the room and Emily wouldn't let anything happen to Spencer again that night. Emily needed to remind both of them that everything was okay now. They had to move on from that moment of terror. They needed to get to the now instead. And in the now, Emily was incredibly grateful and thankful that Spencer was alive.

"I'm sorry."

It was the first thing Spencer said in a while and it took Emily by surprise. She only shook her head and tried to shush Spencer. There wasn't anything to be sorry for.

"I'm sorry, Em," Spencer repeated as the sobs slowed and she was able to think again. She could remember what she was thinking when she was hanging over the edge. "I've been so stupid. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. We didn't think that Ian would push you," Emily reassured as she rubbed circles against Spencer's lower back, careful to keep away from Spencer's bruises. Spencer's skin was hot and it warmed Emily through her clothes.

"No, Em," Spencer shook her head as she pulled back from the embrace. She suddenly felt very naked, very bare in front of Emily and reached over and grabbed her shirt to tub over her body again. If she was going to say what she was going to say, she had to have some level of security. "I'm sorry about everything I've said. I never should have…"

There was a moment of question as Spencer just stared into Emily's eyes. There was confusion and hurt and Spencer couldn't take it. She needed to tell the other girl.

"I was scared. I was so scared of what I felt for you," Spencer said as she reached down and grabbed Emily's hand. Her gaze dipped for a moment watching as their hands interlinked. "I was so scared of what everyone would think. And you were so brave. You have always been so much braver than I am.

But tonight. Tonight I realized that I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to be scared like I was tonight. I almost… I almost _died_. I couldn't die without being not scared about us."

"What are you saying?" Emily asked as she tried to keep her hope at bay. If this wasn't what she thought it was, she knew that all the disappointment would come back. All the hurt that she had tried so desperately to forget would come rushing back in. She wouldn't let herself get hopeful when she didn't even know what Spencer was trying to say.

"I want to be with you."

It didn't take Spencer any time to say the words. There was no hesitation right now. After everything, she needed to tell Emily that. She needed to see if anyway they could be together. Spencer had wasted too much time. There was nothing like almost dying to make someone's eyes open to what had been right in front of them. Spencer was nervous as she waited for a response from Emily. There was such a real possibility that Emily had moved on and wouldn't want to be with her. There was no point in living if Spencer wasn't honest about her emotions. She wasn't truly living if she just kept skimming by without investing herself into everything she wanted. It was the first time that Spencer had realized how much all her plans really didn't matter. All that mattered was what you thought of yourself and who was at your side when it all happened.

There weren't any clues in Emily's expression. It was still shocked and Spencer could feel dread start to build up inside of her. All Spencer was left with was silence. It was the bravest that Spencer had ever been. She was finally taking a large risk. It was a risk that Spencer knew she needed to take. If she was going to be honest with herself, she had to be honest with Emily as well.

It seemed like the longest moments in her life as she waited for any sign from Emily. Spencer started to pull away in absolute embarrassment. It had been stupid for her to even say anything. Emily had moved on and Spencer was just going to have to accept it.

"Don't," Emily whispered as her fingers gripped tighter to Spencer's. She wouldn't let the other girl slip away. "I'm not letting you go anywhere."

Spencer looked up confused before she was met with Emily _kissing_ her suddenly. Spencer's hands moved quickly to cup Emily's face. She knew the answer just from Emily's kiss. It wasn't a goodbye kiss. It wasn't meant to say anything about how Emily just liked her as a friend. No, it was a kiss to shut her up. It said ' _of course I want to be with you_ '. It said everything that Spencer was dying to hear. Spencer pulled away for a moment as a smile widened across her face. Spencer laughed slightly in absolute delight before pulling Emily back into the kiss. Everything else could wait. All that mattered was Emily's lips being pressed against her own. Spencer felt safe for the first time that night.

* * *

' _Looks like the fun's just beginning. Sleep tight, bitches. –A'_


	5. Miles From Where You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh! so i finally figured out a direction with this story. i needed to actually sit and plan it out, which i've done. that always makes it easier for me to write. so this is based on 3x01 going forward. there'll be flashbacks and such to season 2. :) the reviews are wonderful and helped me realize that i'm better at writing angst and enjoy writing it so much more than just happiness. keep the reviews coming.

 

* * *

She had gotten so excited when it was finally the day for Emily to come home from Haiti. She wouldn't have missed getting to go with Pam to the airport to pick up the other girl.

Spencer knew she was probably more excited than Pam for Emily to be home. It had been nearly three months since she had seen her girlfriend last.

She had been the one that had originally found the program for Emily. It had been her push that got Emily to decide to leave for the summer. Spencer hadn't wanted Emily to leave, but she knew it was the best thing for the other girl. After Maya's death… their relationship had changed. Spencer knew that Emily still loved Maya before, but after the girl's death, Spencer saw that Emily's feelings for the girl hadn't changed that much since they started dating. There was just a gut feeling that something else had gone on with Maya and Emily, but Spencer hadn't questioned it. How could she when her girlfriend was devastated?

All Spencer had done was try to be supportive through it.

Building house in Haiti had seemed like such an Emily thing to do, that it only took a few pushes from Spencer and her parents for Emily to agree to do it. Spencer didn't know how it had gone, but all she could hope for was her girlfriend coming back happier than she had left.

"She had to go through customs, Spencer," Pam reassured. Spencer knew that everyone in the airport could probably see how excited she was. Pam's hand gripped her arm lightly as Spencer took a deep breath. Other than school, Spencer got out to see Pam and that was it. They had bonded over the summer. It had started with Spencer making sure Pam was all right (per Emily's request when she left), but it ended in Pam becoming someone Spencer could talk to. Spencer felt close to Emily when she was with Pam. It was the most of the other girl she could get. Emily talked to Pam all the time and Spencer tried to stop her heart from aching so much because of it. She had barely spoken to Emily since she left. It wasn't for a lack of trying. Instead, Spencer did what she did best and threw herself into schoolwork. If she kept herself busy, then she wouldn't miss Emily as much.

It had worked for a while, but it hadn't been able to take away all the pain.

Spencer didn't think she could stand to wait another _second_ by the time people started coming through the exit of customs. She knew Pam was trying to stay calm to off set Spencer's excited nature, but she was just as excited to see her daughter.

A wide smile broke out on her face as she finally spotted Emily. She suppressed the urge to wave or yell out for the other girl. Emily was still too far away to do anything if Spencer did that. It was only once Emily was coming down the escalator that Spencer allowed herself to wave, following Pam's example. Emily was smiling as she saw them, but Spencer could see that Emily wasn't as excited as she was. She was probably over thinking the entire thing and pushed everything but happiness out of her mind.

Emily hugged Pam first and Spencer waited impatiently for her turn. But when Emily's gaze finally landed on her, Spencer suddenly felt shy. Spencer didn't want to make the first move. It had been three months with nearly no contact and Spencer didn't know how Emily felt.

"Spence," Emily whispered out before there were arms around Spencer's neck and Spencer stepped closer to return the tight hug. Spencer finally felt able to breathe again when Emily's arms wrapped around her. Spencer needed the closeness. She needed to remember what it meant to actually be with Emily. Emily seemed like a distant memory all summer. All Spencer wanted to do was make up for lost time and remember what Emily felt like against her skin. "I missed you."

The words were all Spencer needed to hear and she felt tears of happiness prick at her eyes. "I missed you too, Em."

Once Emily pulled away slightly, Spencer's lips had dropped to stare at Emily's lips. She wanted so badly to kiss the other girl, but she didn't want to make the first move. It was Emily who moved in slowly to kiss Spencer first. It seemed like hours before Emily's lips were finally pressed against her own. Spencer brought her hands up to cup the other girl's face. She wanted to touch Emily. The other girl's hands were gripping against her back and Spencer felt wanted. She could feel that Emily wanted her. It had been too long since Emily had really kissed Spencer. The short kiss they had before Emily had left for the summer didn't count in Spencer's mind.

Pam interrupted the kiss with a small cough. "I'm going to wait for you luggage, okay?" she asked and Emily pulled away for a moment to just nod at her mother.

Spencer didn't know what had shifted, but Emily's eyes flickered to the side for a moment, as if she expected someone else to be there. It shouldn't have caused hurt inside of Spencer, but something stung inside of her. Spencer forced a smile on her face as Emily turned back to look at her.

"Hanna and Aria are so excited for our sleepover tonight," Spencer commented softly as her gaze flickered around Emily's face. Emily still was the most gorgeous girl who Spencer had ever seen. The time away from each other only reminded Spencer of that fact.

The smile faded from Spencer's face as Emily looked away. "We should go find my mom," Emily commented and Spencer just nodded in response.

It wasn't the welcome home reaction she had looked for. It was as if once Emily stopped kissing her, she remembered everything that had happened and closed up again. Spencer could tell that Haiti hadn't been the answer to all of their problems. Everything that was wrong in their relationship couldn't be solved with time apart. Spencer felt stupid for believing otherwise.

Emily was still hurting and Spencer couldn't do anything about that.

* * *

"Earth to Spencer. Are you going to help me or not?"

Hanna's voice pulled Spencer back from her train of thought as she looked out her window. Her hand grasped the fabric over her chest as she had let her thoughts get away with her. All the worries she had worked so hard to push away had returned with Emily. "Sorry," Spencer mumbled as she slowly turned to face Hanna.

Hanna knew there was something wrong with Spencer. It didn't take a genius to realize that the other girl was hurting. Hanna had barely seen Spencer all summer. Spencer had locked herself in her room and with school.

It wasn't just Emily that had been heart-broken during the summer.

"Are you finally going to talk to me or we still pretending the everything's fine?"

"Everything _is_ fine," Spencer responded. She had stayed away from the girls for this exact reason. Spencer wasn't sure what she was feeling all the time. And what she _did_ feel wasn't exactly selfless and loving like the girlfriend she wanted to be would feel. Hanna was the most blunt and Spencer wished that Aria were there to offset Hanna. She knew she had given Hanna the perfect opportunity to drill her about everything that had happened in the past few months.

"Well, tell that to your face."

"What do you want me to say, Hanna?"

Hanna would take anything. She'd take anything Spencer had to say that was real. Holding it all in couldn't be good for the other girl. Spencer was already wound up tighter than a clock, or whatever the saying was.

"Do you want me to talk about how my _girlfriend_ barely talked to me for the past three months?" Spencer's voice dripped with hurt and Hanna moved towards Spencer. Spencer's shell was cracking and Hanna knew that the other girl needed someone to be there for her. Spencer didn't have to be the strong one all the time like she had been for the past few months. There were people she could lean on. Hanna wanted to help Spencer as well as helping Emily. They were both important to her.

"Hey, sorry I'm early—" Hanna sighed as Aria made her entrance in the room. Hanna was finally getting somewhere with Spencer and then Aria had to walk in. Hanna was just thankful that Aria stopped talking when she did. It was obvious that Spencer wasn't okay. Spencer had quickly turned back around and wiped at her eyes just to make sure that no tears had fallen when Aria had walked in. "Spence…" Aria muttered as she looked to Hanna for help. Aria worded "sorry" to Hanna who just shrugged her shoulders.

"I was just saying I am fine."

"No you weren't, Spence," Hanna said with a sigh as she sat down heavily on Spencer's bed. "Aria's not stupid. She knows something's wrong too."

"Come on, Spence," Aria urged as she sat down on the bed next to Hanna. "We're team Sparia."

"Wow, that's not hurtful or anything," Hanna said with a pout. "Why don't we get a nickname? Who even came up with… ow!" Hanna whispered as Aria smacked her thigh lightly as a reminder that they weren't there to argue about names.

Spencer felt her walls begin to fall again with the two of them bantered. Spencer didn't know why she was so reluctant to talk to the girls. She just didn't want to talk poorly about Emily. They were all best friends long before Spencer and Emily had gotten together. Spencer just didn't want to do anything that could hurt Emily in the long run. Spencer had tried for so long to be there for Emily, but it had become nearly impossible to do it anymore. It took a moment, but Spencer eventually moved to the bed.

Aria and Hanna— _her girls_ —just looked at her with so much concern that Spencer didn't want to hide anything from them anymore. She had hidden out away for the entire summer and it hadn't done her any good in the long run. Maybe they would be able to say something to Spencer that would rebound her from this sadness she had found herself drowning in.

"I just…" Spencer muttered as she sat down in the bed in between the two girls. She crossed her legs underneath herself as she tried to get comfortable. She was never fully comfortable when she was being fully honest with anyone. "I thought that this summer, I thought that time away would be good for her. Maybe it was, but we only talked a few times over the summer." Spencer took a shaky breath as she finally thought about everything that had happened. It affected her more than she would have liked to think it would. Her eyes shut as she thought of the words to say. She felt Hanna's hand on her back and Spencer relaxed slightly. There wasn't any judgment between the three girls. "I wrote her letters and even sent her a stupid care package and I got nothing in response."

"Spence," Aria's voice interrupts. It pains Aria to see Spencer so upset. If it had been anyone other than Emily, Aria would have offered to beat him or her up, but she knew that there was so much more to the story. "It wasn't stupid. I'm sure she loved it."

"And it's selfish and petty, but Emily's _my_ girlfriend. I know she's mourning and I'm trying to be respectful, but I don't even feel like I mean anything to her anymore."

It hurt to finally admit her feelings aloud. When the words were finally said, Spencer knew that she couldn't take back them. She couldn't fool herself anymore and pretend that everything was fine.

Everything wasn't fine. It was all screwed up.

"That's not true," Hanna argued as she rubbed Spencer's back subconsciously as she scooted closer to the girl. It had been obvious that Spencer hadn't been okay since Maya had died, but they had all been too preoccupied in making sure that Emily was all right. Hanna felt a sense of guilt knowing that she hadn't been there for her best friend. Hanna was determined to change that. Spencer wouldn't have to go through this alone anymore.

"Spencer," Aria chipped in. Her hands moved to grip one of Spencer's tightly. "Emily loves you. She's just hurting right now." It was a sorry excuse, but there wasn't anything else Aria could claim. The other girl was obviously hurting and Aria didn't know what advice to give to Spencer. "But we're here for _you_ too, Spence. You don't have to hide away in your room and hurt by yourself."

"Hello?"

The voice of Emily interrupted from down the stairs and Spencer quickly rose from the bed. There were tears on her face and she knew she had to clean up a bit before Emily saw her. "Promise you won't say anything?" Spencer pleaded as she stared at the other two girls.

Aria nodded first. It had been Hanna that she mostly wanted to promise. Aria could keep a secret. Hanna could as well, _if_ she wanted to.

* * *

Spencer's arm was wrapped around Emily's back as she slowly led Emily in from the car. Aria and Hanna were going to bury the shovel and Spencer had to make sure that Emily was okay. The other girl was still coming down from some sort of drunken high. Spencer had cursed herself enough for letting Emily get out of the house without even knowing. She should have taken better care of her. Spencer had been coming up with a plan since the moment they got to the graveyard. She wouldn't let any more police officers into her life. She didn't have the energy to be questioned anymore. Spencer knew that the other girls couldn't handle it either.

"I'm not your _child_ ," Emily snapped as Spencer just gripped her harder. Emily had barely been able to stand at the graveyard and Spencer wasn't going to let the other girl go until she could make Emily sit on the couch. "I can walk by myself."

Drunken Emily was not someone who Spencer liked. She had lashed out when she was drunk during the dance, but this time it was more painful. Spencer didn't know if she was ready for Emily's painfully honest drunken confessions. "Just hold on," Spencer muttered as she used her key to open the door to her kitchen. Emily had tried to escape her grasp, but she wasn't strong or steady enough to do it. There was a pout on Emily's face and in any other circumstance Spencer would have found it adorable, but she didn't have time to think about anything but making sure none of this could be blamed on them.

It took one shift of Emily and Spencer stumbled against the door, pulling Emily tight against her in the process. Spencer took a deep breath as she tried to regain her composure as Emily pressed firmly against her. "Em," Spencer whispered after a moment. It was clear that Emily wasn't moving and Spencer couldn't move unless the other girl did. "You need to move."

"What if I don't want to?" Emily mumbled as she leaned forward and captured Spencer's lips with her own.

The kiss was too rough and reminded Spencer of everything that was wrong between the two of them. Emily's hands were greedy against her hips and Spencer knew that she shouldn't be kissing Emily like this, but part of her wanted to take whatever she could from the other girl. The girl's grip on Spencer's hips kept her pressed up tightly against Emily. Her hands stayed idly on the door. Emily didn't seem to notice. Instead, her hands made their way underneath Spencer's shirt and just the contact made a moan escape from Spencer's lips. She would be lying if she said she didn't want Emily to touch her. She wanted the girl to be like this when she was sober. It shouldn't have to take alcohol for Emily to want to touch her.

It took most of her self-control to push Emily away. "No, Em," Spencer said with a sad shake of her head. "Not like this."

There was hurt in Emily's eyes when she pulled away.

Spencer wasn't a play toy. She didn't want to be used anymore.

* * *

"I really let my friends down. I really let _Spencer_ down."

Emily didn't feel like she had been this honest in months. Emily could feel the tears pooling in her eyes as she looked up for a moment. She had done enough crying in the past few months for a lifetime. Emily didn't know why it was so easy to talk to Toby about all of this, but she was barely able to talk to her friends about how she felt.

"You know how Spencer and the girls feel about you."

Emily did know. She knew that the girls would be there for her no matter what, but after the way she had acted for the summer, she didn't know if she even deserved it anymore. Emily hadn't been there for them at all. She knew she was in a downward spiral, but she wouldn't allow herself to bring any of the girls down with her.

"Yeah, but they're like my family. That's why I can't stand to disappoint them."

"That's what's so great about friends... they're _not_ your family. They accept you for who you are," Toby said with a smile. Toby was right. The girls were still there even after all she did. They hadn't left her through any of the heartache or pain. _Spencer_ hadn't left her either. Emily smiled a bit in response as she took a deep breath. She wouldn't let herself get wrapped up in the grief.

"Did you see a lot of Spencer this summer?" Emily wasn't the one who had the smile slip from her face this time. Toby was so open about his feelings. She could see that he was concerned before he had even said anything. It didn't surprise Emily that Toby hadn't been mad about his and Spencer's break up when the girls originally got together, but it did surprise her of how close the two of them gotten because of it. Toby might have become an even bigger part of Spencer's life once they were just friends. If anyone were to know how Spencer had done during the summer, it would be Toby. Emily had talked to her mom briefly about how Spencer had come over almost once a week. Pam had gushed about how wonderful Spencer was, but Emily knew that there was something adrift about the other girl.

"Just a few times," Toby said with a sigh. "Have you two actually talked since you got back?"

Emily looked down at her coffee slightly embarrassed at what her answer was. Emily had barely seen Spencer other than with the other girls. Emily hadn't meant to avoid her, but it was easier to just not talk to her right then. She wasn't sure that she was ready to talk about everything.

"You need to talk to her, Em. She's hurting too," Toby said and Emily felt her defensive rise in response.

"She didn't lose someone like I did." Emily didn't mean to lash out at Toby, but it had become what she did in these situations. She used her anger as a blockage from seeing the hurt.

"Are you sure about that?"

What did a question like that even mean? Spencer hadn't lost someone who died like she had. Why should Spencer be hurting? There was nothing compared to what she felt after Maya's death. Maya was her first real love. She was the first girl who loved her back, the first girl who Emily had slept with. Spencer hadn't lost someone like that.

Emily couldn't see through the fog of her pain to think of anything that Spencer had lost that could even compare to her pain.

* * *

"Spencer?" Hanna asked after Spencer had opened her phone. There was a look of shock on the other girl's face and Hanna knew that it couldn't be anything good. "What was that?"

Spencer shook her head quickly like she couldn't believe what she had seen and it only made Hanna more curious to what it could be. Spencer hadn't wanted to spend the night alone, so Hanna had agreed to a sleepover at her house. Aria and Emily were long gone by the time Spencer had gotten the text message.

"Its nothing," Spencer responded after a moment too long of silence.

"That's not a 'nothing' look, Spencer. That's an "A" face. What is it?" Hanna asked as she reached over to grab Spencer's phone out of her hands. Hanna hadn't expected for Spencer to give her the phone so easily. There wasn't a fight or anything, Spencer had just handed the phone over to Hanna. It had to be something important because Spencer wouldn't have done that with something she was interested in hiding.

_I still know everything. – A_

It wasn't the message that shocked Hanna, but rather the photo. All of them had photos taken through their windows, but once Mona was locked up, none of them expected for the photos to continue. It was obvious that this new person had the same information that Mona had. Hanna didn't know what she had expected on the phone, but she definitely hadn't been expecting a picture of Emily kissing Maya to pop up.

"It's just a picture of Maya and Emily from before. It's probably just one of the photos that Mona had saved when she was still conscious."

"It's not," Spencer replied softly and Hanna finally shifted her gaze back from the phone to Spencer's face. There was such hurt on the other girl's face that it actually pained Hanna to look at her. It wasn't all pain though. There was an understanding look on her face as well.

"How do you know that though?" Hanna asked. She didn't want to believe that Emily would kiss Maya while Spencer and her had been together. This had to be a picture from before. "You can barely even see them in the photo.

"I got Emily that shirt," Spencer said softly. She had gotten Emily that shirt well after they had started dating. There wasn't any way that the photo could have been taken from before. Spencer didn't want to cry in front of Hanna. She didn't want to cry at all. It all made sense now. Everything about why Emily was so devastated made so much more sense.

A kiss always meant something.

It wasn't that Emily _had_ been in love with Maya a long time ago; it was Emily _had_ been in love with Maya when she died.

Spencer didn't realize that she was crying until Hanna's arms were wrapped around her tightly. She knew that the other girl was trying to comfort her, but Spencer wasn't upset about the kiss. The tears weren't out of sorrow. They were out of the reality of the situation. Spencer was crying because it was over.

All of her fears were coming true and it killed her.

* * *

It would have been too much to have the conversation in Spencer's bedroom. It was better to do it in the living room. There had been too many good memories in the bedroom to ruin it because of all this. The memories were surely all that Spencer would have left. Emily had been concerned when she had gotten over to Spencer's house. Spencer was supposed to sleep over at Hanna's.

"Why didn't you call me when you were away?" Spencer asked even though she hated feeling so weak in front of the other girl. It was hard to get the words out. Spencer didn't want to be selfish, but after that photo… she had to know. Spencer had to understand what had happened. The time to let it slip had long past. She hadn't been the clingy girlfriend, but now her thirst for knowledge overtook her supportive nature. There were too many clues and things that needed to be answer. Spencer wouldn't stand back and let it all pass anymore. The questions needed answers. "Don't you tell me that you didn't have a phone available, because you called your mom every other day."

There was no reply and Spencer didn't know how to take it. Emily was staring at her hands and Spencer didn't feel the want to comfort her like she normally did. Spencer crossed her arms in front of herself in a defensive way. She wished that this all didn't make her so upset, but it did. When Emily didn't respond for another few moments, Spencer decided that she needed the other girl to say something.

"Why didn't you tell me about the kiss?"

It had gotten Emily's attention from her hands and to look at Spencer. There was confusion in her glance and it made Spencer mad. How could Emily not know what Spencer was talking about?

"What kiss?" Emily asked. She could feel her heart race as she thought of what kiss Spencer meant. Spencer couldn't possibly know about Maya kissing her before… before all of this happened.

Spencer took a deep breath before she handed Emily her phone. She hadn't been able to close the picture off her screen. She had tried so hard to believe that it wasn't true, but the more she looked at the picture, the more she realized the reality of it all.

Emily didn't need to see the picture for more than a second before she looked back up at Spencer.

"Spencer," Emily spoke softly and Spencer knew that it was true. Even with the picture and everything, it took just the look to seal it as fact. It was true and Spencer couldn't beg for an explanation of the photo or anything like that. "I'm so sorry."

The words tore into Spencer and she had to turn away to compose herself. There was such a breach of trust and Spencer didn't know what to do. The memories of her kissing Ian and then Wren when Melissa was with them came flooding back. It wasn't only hurt that Spencer felt. She had been in Emily's shoes, but she had never been in the shoes of someone who had been cheated on. Spencer suddenly felt so much guilt for kissing Ian and Wren. She had seen how much it had hurt Melissa, but now that she was feeling the hurt, it was so much worse than she thought it would be. Her eyes were shut tightly as she willed herself not to cry. The reality of the situation was hitting her hard in the face after all the months. She wished she would have known sooner. Spencer had felt so bad about needing Emily for so long, but now she realized why Emily had pushed her away. It made so much more sense.

It didn't mean that it hurt any less.

"Spencer, please," Emily begged. This hadn't been how she wanted this all to happen. She was going to tell Spencer about the kiss and then Maya was _dead_. She hadn't been able to think about anything but the death. "Please look at me."

Spencer quickly reached up and wiped the tears off her face before she turned back around to hear what Emily had to say about the kiss. Her arms were still folded defensively in front of her. There weren't many times that rendered Spencer speechless, but this was one of them. She didn't know what to say to Emily.

"That kiss… I pushed Maya away after it," Emily said. It was the truth. Emily had told Maya that she was with Spencer and that she _loved_ Spencer. "I didn't think the kiss meant anything to me."

"So it _did_ mean something."

Emily hadn't realized what she had said. Emily hadn't thought it meant anything. In the moment, it seemed stupid and nothing to even bring up to Spencer. But then Maya was _dead_. All of her memories of Maya had come back and it hit her hard in the face that she had loved Maya. It made her realize that she had leaned into the kiss. She remembered the feeling for just a moment of wanting to keep kissing Maya. Emily had remembered how much she had loved Maya as well. There were too many emotions and feelings.

"Spence…" Emily muttered. She didn't know what else to say either.

A strange silence had fallen between the two of them. Emily didn't have any excuses. It had happened. She just hadn't wanted Spencer to find out that way.

Spencer was caught up in the silence. There were no excuses, no logic behind this all. Spencer had been hurt for too long. They were stuck and Spencer didn't want to be in this place anymore. She knew once she started to speak, it would all be over. There was so much hurt and she hadn't even said anything yet. Spencer had searched so long for hope, but there was none that she could find.

"No, it's okay," Spencer said even thought it definitely wasn't okay. It was the exact opposite of okay, but she had come to a resolution in her mind. Spencer had needed to plan. She had to figure out what to do in this situation.

It had to be over.

_They_ had to be over.

Spencer moved slowly and sat on the couch next to Emily. She couldn't look at her yet. She didn't want to see the pain in the other girl's eyes. It would cause her to go back to before. Spencer didn't want to go back to hurting. The only way out she could see was to stop being with her. Her hands stayed awkwardly on her lap as she tried to build up the courage.

"I'm sorry," Emily repeated and Spencer closed her eyes tightly. It killed her that she couldn't believe the other girl. Hurt raced through her body as Emily's hands grasped her own. Spencer knew that Emily was trying, but it wasn't enough anymore. Spencer had bent far too much.

"I think we should stop," Spencer exhaled. She could feel Emily's hands grip tighter onto hers. "We should go back to being friends." It wasn't until the second sentence that she finally made eye contact again with the other girl. There was confusion in the girl's eyes, but Spencer knew this needed to be done. Not just for herself, but for Emily as well. Neither of them was happy anymore. Spencer had tried so hard to make it work, but it wasn't working.

They were just hurting each other.

"I didn't mean for it to happen, Spencer. You have to believe me," Emily said with her eyes wide. She could feel the tears coming. "Please, I love you. Don't do this."

"It's time to face the truth. We haven't really been together for a long time now, Em."

The nickname rolled off her tongue easily. The emotion was thick in her voice. She knew she was crying, but Spencer had to keep going. Even if Emily cried as well, this was what was for the best. It was time for them both to face the facts. Emily was obviously not happy with Spencer and Spencer had to let the other girl go. She couldn't keep fighting for this relationship.

They had to go back to being just friends. Maybe this wasn't meant to happen. Spencer had tried for so long, but nothing she did seemed to be enough. Friends were better. She could be just friends with Emily.

"Please, don't do this."

_No, don't leave me. Please don't leave me._

"We can't keep pretending that everything is alright, because it's not. It's not supposed to be this hard, Emily. When we started… It wasn't this hard before."

_Fight for me. Just try._

Spencer just needed a reason to stay, but it was clearer that Emily wasn't ready for this relationship. There was no fight to Emily's arguments. Spencer wanted to be the one pleading for Emily to want to be with her, but she had to be the strong one. It killed her that Emily wasn't fighting for her.

"I'm so sorry. Please don't be mad, Spence."

"I'm not mad, " Spencer whispered. Her voice was thick with emotions that she was trying to contain inside of her. Spencer wasn't mad at Emily; she was mad at herself for not realizing it earlier. She was hurt that the other girl had never called her or told her about the kiss. Spencer felt Emily looked so lost and Spencer knew that she couldn't be the answer, not now. Emily had to decide what she wanted and Spencer wouldn't allow herself to keep getting hurt over it. "I still care about you, Em. That isn't ever going to change."

Emily's arms were suddenly around her neck and Spencer could feel the sob rise in her chest. The embrace was tight and it said everything Emily hadn't.

It was an apology.

They had been over for a while. Spencer had just been brave enough to say it. Emily wasn't ready for a relationship anymore. Spencer had tried so hard, but it wasn't enough.

"I love you," Emily whispered again against Spencer's neck. Spencer could only nod in response.

Love wasn't always enough.


	6. Makes Me Feel Less Strong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoaaa, this is the longest chapter yet (over 10,000 words). ALSO, how fricking confusing is the timeline in pll. I had to like recheck because I was trying to figure out dates and such. So much has happened in such a short time. I wrote this in between studying for midterms, so hopefully i'll be done with my timely absences. Please review because they really do inspire me! :)

 

* * *

**NOVEMBER 2010** _– well, love was kind for a time…_

* * *

Just seeing her parent's reaction to Toby at the door absolutely terrified Spencer. He had just been coming to check up on her and her dad had been so rude to the boy. The thought that her dad might be rude to Emily absolutely chilled her to the core. Spencer didn't feel like she was crazy or 'obsessed'. She just wished that her parents would believe her. They had all seen Ian's dead body. Spencer wasn't obsessed; she was just tying to get the truth out. Ian had almost _killed_ her the previous night and nobody seemed to believe her. It hurt Spencer more than she would care to admit. This was her family and they didn't believe her. It always seemed to be the case. It wasn't only her family that didn't believe her; none of the adults or police seemed like they really did. Ian had ruined so much for her already and even from the grave he was trying to ruin her life. He had tried to _kill_ her. Ian wasn't even there and they still believed him over her.

"Hey."

The voice snapped Spencer out of her thoughts. She had stayed by the staircase trying to listen in on the conversation downstairs. It was the light touch of Emily's fingers against her arm that made her turn around to face the other girl. Spencer attempted to force a smile, but it didn't work. It was a deeply instilled instinct for her to try to hide her emotions, but she couldn't find the heart to do it with Emily. The other girl had such a look of concern on her face, like Spencer's feelings were all that mattered. The look took her back for a second. Spencer could see how much Emily cared and it made her want to open her heart to the other girl.

"They treated Toby like garbage."

"They're just trying to protect you, in their own weird way."

Leave it to Emily to think rationally in this situation. Spencer wished it was just that, but she knew it wasn't all about Spencer staying safe. There was so much more at risk in their minds. There was the country club and their clients. They couldn't have their daughter being seen with someone everyone saw as a murderer.

"It isn't just that. I've gone crazy in their minds. They don't even believe anything I say anymore."

"We all believe you, Spencer."

"I know. I just wish… They shouldn't be treating Toby like crap. They know that he's important to me."

Spencer could see that her words weren't the ones that Emily had hoped to hear. There was a glimpse of hurt in Emily's eyes and Spencer knew that she shouldn't have said that. When she was angry, she didn't think clearly.

"Em," Spencer said as she reached out to grab Emily's hand. She could see how Emily shied away slightly and was trying to pretend that it hadn't hurt her. Spencer knew that it would take a while for them both to get used to being together and how to not hurt each other anymore. Spencer had been the cause of too much insecurity in Emily and it was time that she relieved some of them. Spencer still cared about Toby, but she didn't want to be with him. Spencer wanted to be with Emily and Emily wasn't used to that quite yet; Spencer couldn't blame her. It would take time for both of them to realize what this really was. "I still care about Toby. I hated seeing them treat him like that."

"I know. Sorry," Emily muttered as she kept her gaze on the ground in front of her. She was slightly embarrassed of getting so timid at the mention of Spencer caring about Toby. She hadn't been expecting for Spencer to stop caring about him, but she still needed reassurance that this was all actually happening. Emily needed to be reminded that she wasn't dreaming and Spencer _wanted_ to be with her.

"Me too."

The apology covered a lot in Spencer's mind. She wasn't just apologizing for what she had just said, but for so much. It would take time, but Spencer knew she was going to make up for everything she did to hurt Emily in the past.

* * *

"I've told you everything Melissa."

Spencer really didn't have time to sit around and argue with Melissa anymore. She had been doing the same thing for the past 48 hours and she couldn't handle it anymore. Spencer just wanted to go over to Emily's and tell Toby. Then a weight would be lifted off both of their shoulders.

It surprised Spencer how hard she was preparing to meet with Emily at her house. Spencer knew she needed to tell Toby and with Emily being there it would be so much easier. It was a risk to break up with Toby. What if Emily decided she didn't want to be with her? Then she would have broken up with a guy she actually _liked_ for nothing.

The risk was worth it.

Spencer knew that there wasn't all the time in the world. It was important for her to do this now.

_Because_ she was still on edge.

There was still a tad of fear inside of her and that was when Spencer had the most courage. Spencer wasn't going to let the fear define her.

There were still nervous butterflies in her stomach as if she hadn't known Emily for so long. On a subconscious level Spencer knew that Emily wasn't going to care what she was wearing, but Spencer did. She wanted to make herself look the best and maybe it was self-serving, but she wanted to look good for Emily.

"No, I wasn't listening but now I am." Even with how much Spencer fought with Melissa, she really couldn't ignore her sister when she was this upset. Even though it was over someone who had tried to kill her, Spencer knew that Melissa had loved Ian and worried about it all. The words gave Spencer a glimmer of hope. Maybe if Melissa believed her, then her parents would as well. Spencer didn't know how she could be any more convincing with what she was telling. It was the truth.

"So you believe me?" Spencer would always hope that her sister would be on her side.

"I don't know what to believe, but I know Ian would never leave me."

Her story stayed the same as she told Melissa again what had happened. There was nothing else she had to tell the other girl. Ian had almost killed her. It was really that simple. Spencer didn't mention _whom_ she thought had saved her, but that wasn't important. Melissa's eyes were closed for the majority of the story. There must be so much confusion in her sister and Spencer hadn't even thought about that. They had their fights, but they were still sisters. If Melissa would believe her… it would mean a lot to Spencer. There was a silence in the room as she finished telling the story for what seemed like the millionth time. There wasn't a satisfaction on Melissa's face by the end. It didn't seem like Melissa believed her anymore than she had before. At least there was no yelling or accusing.

Silence was something Spencer knew how to deal with.

"And that was all you saw."

"Just the person in all black," Spencer sighed as she sat cross-legged on her bed. Melissa sat near her, but the other girl still seemed miles away. In her mind, there had to be a concrete answer to why everything had happened. Spencer could relate to that feeling, but she didn't have the answers to give to Melissa. All she had were the facts of what happened to her that night. Spencer could only give Melissa that. The fear, the terror, the death.

There wasn't a silver lining in this for Melissa.

Melissa wouldn't even look at her; it was one of Melissa's tells that this wasn't fake. This sorrow within Melissa ran deep and Spencer felt a kinship for her sister she hadn't felt in a while. There had been so much tension between the two of them, so much competition. Things seemed different then. Now, her sister was broken and Spencer couldn't help fix it. ( _Would she have believed Melissa if the tables were turned? She couldn't answer that question_ ).

"Did I ruin your date night with Toby?" The apology was conveniently left off of the question. Spencer knew that it was Melissa's way of apologizing silently, as well as changing the discussion. The talking about Ian _dying_ needed to be done for the night.

"It was definitely not a date night," Spencer mumbled as she pulled the pillow that was residing on her legs closer against her stomach. The night had supposed to be the first step in actually being with Emily, but it hadn't turned out that way in the end. Spencer knew that Emily wouldn't have told Toby without her. They had agreed to do it together and Emily knew the most how important it was to be in charge of telling people.

"I'm not going to tell Mom and Dad."

Spencer shook her head. It wasn't even about that. Spencer wouldn't have cared if her parents found out, because it _wasn't_ like that. If they knew the whole story, they would probably push her to see him and break up with him. "I'm going to break up with him."

If she couldn't tell Toby, maybe she could tell Melissa. If there was anyone better at keeping a sister than her, it was Melissa. There were still so many things that the other girl kept from her. Probably more than Spencer had ever considered.

Melissa looked confused as she kept a hand protectively over her stomach. The words were definitely not what she was expecting. Spencer's hands clenched against the pillow as she built the courage to tell her sister something that she had told nobody before. It was easy talking about telling her family, but it was so much harder to do it.

This wasn't what Spencer wanted her story to be. If she could just move past telling people, then she could get to the good parts. It wasn't even "coming out" because Spencer didn't know what she was. Emily was the first girl who had ever made her feel these things. Still now, she had never looked at another girl and felt the stirring in her stomach like she did with Emily. It wasn't about her sexuality ( _like she was sure people would make it out to be)_ ; it was about falling for Emily and genuinely wanting to be with her.

Spencer had been confused about that for so long, because if she just looked at it from the basics, it was oh so clear.

"Why?"

"I'm seeing someone else."

"Not Wren again, Spencer…" Melissa sounded tired. It was like the girl thought she knew the response before Spencer had even answered. The obvious choice had been Wren ( _even though Melissa had met with him in private as well_ ).

"It's Emily."

There was surprise on her sister's face at Spencer's directness. She didn't want to dance around this anymore. Direct was the way to go. No more deception or fear, just honesty for the moment.

"So you were really getting ready to see Emily then…"

There was no disgust or anger on Melissa's face. Spencer didn't know if it was acceptance, but she would take it.

It was the kindest Melissa had been to her in the longest time.

* * *

"I don't want to hurt him."

It surprised Spencer that it was Emily who had the most doubt about Spencer breaking up with Toby. Spencer didn't know why it stung at first, but once Emily had explained the talk they had when Spencer hadn't showed up, she understood. Toby was so kind. Emily couldn't stomach hurting him that way. He was so happy with Spencer. Even though they hadn't talked in a while, he had helped Emily without her even needing to ask. Instead, Toby had figured out a way to let her keep the memories on the wall. If she had asked, he would have helped her figure a way to stay in Rosewood ( _or how to tell Spencer that she could be moving to Texas_ ).

Too much had happened during the day and they had barely gotten to speak to one another if they weren't with the other girls. Dr. Sullivan's office had been a disaster. Just when they were going to tell her their secrets, A had taken that away from them. It had probably been Emily who had been let down the most by the revelation. Spencer knew how desperately the other girl needed to talk to someone about everything that had happened. Especially since A had started to step up their game. Emily had looked scared and Spencer would have agreed to anything to make the other girl feel more comfortable.

"Me either," Spencer said as she leaned her head back for a moment, "but I don't want to live my life just trying to keep from hurting people. I want to be happy." She could hear the hitching of Emily's breathe on the other end of the line. "And I'm not going to be as happy if I stay with Toby."

"Spencer…" There was a silence for a moment, but it wasn't awkward. It made Spencer smile. She could almost see Emily's face clearly when she closed her eyes. "Are you sure you can't come over?" There was so much more Emily wished she could say, so much more she wished she could _do_. If Spencer were there, she would have surely kissed the girl. How could she have not?

"I have so much school work to catch up with, Em." Her homework splayed out in front of her. She hadn't been lying about needing to catch up in school. After all the police and investigations, she hadn't been as diligent with her schooling as she should have been. Spencer wished she could have gone over to the other girl's house. Not even to do anything but just be with the other girl. Spencer would feel safe and at peace. Spencer knew that there were other responsibilities that she needed to handle instead of going over there. "I can come over another night, yeah?"

"You could always sneak over…" Emily's train of thought was cut off and Spencer could hear a door opening. "Oh, Spencer. I'll have to call you back later, okay? I'll see you at school tomorrow."

* * *

Everything good always seemed to be countered by something equally bad.

They had _just_ gotten together properly and now they weren't allowed to even see each other. Spencer's mom had barely given an explanation before she had rushed off to do something with work. She had barely paid attention after the first talk about the therapist. There was obviously too much for her mother to deal with. The talk had been short and stern. Spencer didn't know why she hadn't felt the need to lash out, but she didn't. She had just sat there and let her mother tell what she could and couldn't do. Melissa was long gone along with her father and it was just Spencer left home alone once again.

All she wanted to do was call Emily. Just talking to the girl would make her feel better, but her mother was sure in her threat to block the girl's numbers if Spencer took too much advantage. She wondered if it had just been her mother or if the other girls had the same talk with their parents. The lack of text messages indicated the latter. All her thoughts were about how Emily was dealing this and how absolutely _ironic_ her life had become. Maybe she should start doing the opposite of what she wanted.

How long would this forced separation last?

Spencer didn't want to go back to not speaking to the girls. The year after Alison went missing was some of the loneliest time of her entire life. Spencer had thrown herself into school and activities, but it didn't nearly begin to match up with having friendships. The last year had been spent on moving her life forward; now she felt like she was moving backwards.

She didn't want to be alone again.

Darkness enclosed her in the house. Spencer couldn't have handled the light anyway.

All it took was a slight like move in the bushes and Spencer sprung into action. Doors needed to be locked; she would _not_ let anything happen to her. Even though she had seen the body, there was still a fear inside of her that someone would come and try to finish off what Ian had started. All the outside doors were locked except for the kitchen door and by the time Spencer reached it… it was too late. Fear ran through her body as she grabbed a knife. This would not be an unfair fight. Spencer would fight back this time harder.

_Toby._

Her entire body relaxed and the knife fell from her grasp. She didn't have control of the tears. It had all been too much in the night. Spencer was still scared. His arms were open and Spencer stumbled into them. The hug was necessary. Spencer needed to be held as the shaky breaths escaped her.

It took minutes for her to calm down enough for them to move to the couch. Until she reached the couch, Spencer hadn't even thought about that it might be misleading to grip onto Toby like she did, but there was no moves on his part. All he did was hold her like she desperately needed him to. There were no advances or anything that would have made it obvious that they were more than friends.

A friend was what Spencer needed.

"There's something I need to tell you." The shakiness hadn't left her voice yet, but this was the time to talk to Toby about everything that she had avoided. "And I want you to know that I'm really sorry."

"Spencer…"

"No, I am. I really like you, but I can't do this anymore. Not because of my parents, but…" Spencer trailed off as she kept her hands gripped together. "I'm with.."

"With Emily. I know," Toby cut her off with the knowing smile that she had seen on him so often. Toby was so different from she had ever expected. There was no ounce of anger when he looked at her. He just knew and Spencer could feel relief wash over her. Spencer didn't want a fight. "When I was over the other night at her house, I could tell."

Spencer felt like apologizing again, but she kept herself quiet as she just stared at Toby. Was it so bluntly obvious of her and Emily? Spencer _hoped_ so because then it would be so much easier than she had ever expected. "You're not mad?" Spencer asked after a moment. The question intrigued her. Toby didn't seem upset at all.

"No," he said with a head shake and Spencer believed him. "I just came over to make sure you were okay."

Spencer smiled as she reached over and grabbed Toby's hand in appreciation. There was no romance behind the squeeze before she let go. It was nice to have a friend in Toby. He wasn't like the other girls. He didn't know all of her past; he didn't _care_ about the rest of her past. Toby lived in the moment and Spencer needed to learn how to do that. Letting go of the past could only help, but she couldn't when A kept bringing it back to the surface.

* * *

It didn't seem enough to only get to see each other in private. They were hiding again and Emily hated that feeling. She hated that she couldn't comfort her _girlfriend_ at all. They weren't even allowed to sit next to each other during school. The only time they spent together was the hushed phone calls or conversations in the greenhouses for moments after the other two girls left. Emily wanted to be there for Spencer, especially if Ian might still be alive. She had seen the fear in Spencer's eyes when they had gotten that text from Ian. There was so much fear and all Emily wanted to do was protect the other girl. How could she protect her if she couldn't even be near her? It was impossible. Emily had so much to tell the other girl—the possibility of her going to Texas was imminent and she hadn't even built up the courage to talk to Spencer about it.

Could they make it through her moving to Texas?

There was no time to discuss it. All their talks were quick and seemed more important than her moving. It wasn't a lie to keep it from Spencer; she would tell her eventually. Now was not the time. The days passed so quickly. The more days that passed without Spencer in her life, the harder it became to focus on everything else in her life besides their relationship. It was put on the back burner and Emily hated it. But it was the way it had to be for now.

The more she thought about Texas and the move, the more her mind would drift to Spencer and how it would affect them. It wasn't that she doubted their relationship, but she wondered if it was the best time for it. Emily had been absolutely thrilled when the other girl had kissed her, but now… It seemed like the worse time possible for the two of them. Emily tried so hard to convince herself that it wasn't a sign, but it always slipped into her thoughts. Emily didn't know why there was suddenly another girl interested in her, but Samara came around at the worst of times.

There was such a lack of interaction in her life that Emily found herself gravitating towards the other girl. It wasn't romantic, but Emily needed some sorts of interaction besides the hushed conversations with her friends. Life was a giant juggling act – and she was sure she was keeping all the events separate until one of their meetings that the juggling fell apart. There were too many things that she hadn't been able to tell Spencer that she had forgotten she had talked to Aria or Hanna about. So when Hanna mentioned Texas, Emily instantly realized that her plans had fallen apart. Emily didn't want to give Spencer anything more to deal with. She was going to figure out how to not go to Texas and stay in Rosewood. There was too much depending on it.

"Texas?" Spencer questioned as she turned around to stare at Emily. Hanna's gaze shifted between Spencer and Emily before she grabbed Aria's arm. She muttered a goodbye, before it was just the two of them alone. "What does she mean you're going to Texas?"

Emily knew that Spencer would figure it out quicker than she let on. If it was a trip, Emily would have beamed about it, but this wasn't a trip. "I didn't want to worry you," Emily said as she tried to take a step towards Spencer. This was the opposite of what she wanted. Emily wanted to take care of it so that there wouldn't be hurt. She just didn't realize that by not telling Spencer, she had hurt her more than if she would have said anything.

Lighting was scare in the road between the two houses. Emily wished that she had a perfect explanation for everything, but she was still figuring things out on her own. It wasn't that she wanted to keep it from Spencer, but they wouldn't have time to talk about it anyways. The confession wouldn't have been worth the worry.

"You should have told me," Spencer said as she crossed her arms in front of her. It actually hurt that Emily had kept it from her. There hadn't been much time for them to talk, but surely Emily moving would have been a topic of conversation. "You're moving?" Spencer tried to hide the hurt in her voice, but obviously she hadn't done a good enough job as Emily tried again to move towards her.

"I don't want to. I'm _trying_ not to."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me."

"I'm trying to fix it. I haven't been able to even seen you except in the dark. This isn't something that I want to be a whispered worry, Spencer," Emily said as she mimicked Spencer's stance. "I'm _trying_ here."

This all was the breaking point for Spencer. Everything seemed to be going wrong. Maybe the universe was right. Spencer couldn't help but think about other things that Emily could be keeping from her. "I'm trying too, Emily," Spencer shook her head. "I talked to Melissa and _I_ broke up with Toby. Maybe… the universe is trying to tell us something."

Emily's face dropped slightly as her arms loosened around herself. "Spence…"

Then there was a light on at Spencer's front porch and her eyes were automatically drawn to it. "We'll talk later," Spencer muttered before she turned quickly towards her house. They had more to talk about, but not with her mother searching for her.

Spencer was sick of talking in the dark to Emily.

* * *

"Mom, stop," Emily moaned as her mother continued to talk about Samara. Even though the other girl had come over, Emily didn't want her mother to get the idea that anything was happening between the two of them. Samara knew that Emily wasn't interested; she knew that Emily had something going with someone. Emily knew that her mother was coming from a good place when she had invited the other girl over, but it had only made Emily miss Spencer all the more. There was too much that she was keeping from her mother. The letter—Emily didn't even want that to get out. A had mailed it and it was a blessing and a curse.

A blessing to stay with Spencer, but a curse to have to stay in Rosewood under A's control. Lying to her mother was the hardest.

"I just think you should start looking at other colleges. We need to schedule a meeting with an advisor," Pam mentioned as she finished putting the dishes away in the kitchen. Samara had left long ago, but Pam hadn't been able to stop thinking about this whole scholarship thing. It was nice to have her mother so involved in her colleges, but just not for the false reasons. Emily wanted to earn her place in the school, not have her mother convinced that she already had it in the bag. "And Samara… I really like her."

It was strange to have her mother say that and it took Emily aback a bit. Her mother had never talked nicely of Maya, but Samara wasn't whom Emily wanted her mom to like. Sure, she knew that Pam liked Spencer, but not like this. Emily didn't know if her mom would like Spencer as her _girlfriend_. "I have to tell you something," Emily said as she leaned back against the counter. She didn't want her mother to not know about Spencer. It was at least one secret she could confide in her mother about. Spencer had taken steps to make sure that they could be together and it was far past time that she did the same for Spencer. "I'm not interested in Samara at all."

Pam's eyebrows crinkled together as she turned around. "Oh, is there someone else you're interested in?" There was delicacy in the way that Pam asked. They were still moving forward in their relationship and Emily knew that her mom fully accepted her, it would just take time for them both to get used to everything still. Her mom was trying and that was all that Emily had ever wanted from her.

"I'm sort-of seeing her," Emily confessed as her gaze flickered around her mother's face trying to look for clues on how her mother felt. Emily wasn't sure if her and Spencer were full on dating yet, it had been so hard when they were banned from each other. Nothing was official, but Emily desperately wanted it to be. Emily could see the question in her mother's eyes and she decided to beat her to the punch. "It's Spencer."

There was moment of shock on her mother's face as she took it in. Then there was confusion. "Spencer _Hastings_?" Pam checked before Emily nodded her head. It was another few moments before Pam said anything else. Emily understood that it was probably a shock to her mother that one of Emily's best friends was now _almost_ her girlfriend. Emily was surprised when it had happened as well. Spencer had been her first crush, her first person that she had been able to see herself with. Now, Spencer wanted those things as well. Spencer didn't want to be with anyone else; Spencer wanted to be with _her_. It was still hard for Emily to believe at times. Emily knew that there was so much that Pam wanted to ask, but her mother was ever the patient one. "How long?"

"Um," Emily's eyes flickered to the floor for a moment as she tried to think how to explain it. How long since they had kissed? Or since they had wanted to be together? She decided to go with the latter. "Since the night that Ian died."

Pam nodded her head before she seemed to come to a realization. The two girls had been forced apart since then. _She_ had been a part in forcing them apart. "Oh," she said as she realized the implications of what she had done. Pam knew how scared Emily had been when she was coming out, and now she was doing the same thing to Spencer that she had done to her daughter. She was forcing them apart without even realizing the implications. She didn't mean to keep them separate because of anything to do with that. "And I've separated the two of you. Just like you and Maya." There was disappointment in her voice, but it wasn't directed to Emily. No, it was just for herself. Pam had inadvertently made the same mistake that she had promised to not make again.

"Mom, it's not your fault," Emily reassured as she moved across the kitchen to be closer to her mother. She hadn't told her to make her feel guilty. It wasn't like it was just Pam doing it, or that it had anything to do with them dating.

"I didn't mean to separate the two of you," Pam said as she felt the tears pooling in her eyes. Pam was working so hard to fix the mistakes she had made in the past. She would become the mother she wished she were back then. Emily wrapped her arms around her mother within seconds. It was definitely not a matter to cry over, but she wouldn't tease her mother about it now. "I like Spencer too."

The laughter felt good.

* * *

Spencer wasn't upset when they found Ian's body. Not at all.

Relief was the only thing she felt. Even with her sister crying in her arms, all Spencer could feel was a victory. Ian was dead and she didn't have to be afraid anymore. Maybe it made her a terrible person, but it didn't bother her. All she cared about was that she finally felt safe from Ian and that she hadn't been crazy to think he was dead. The same wasn't true for Emily. There were police cars again and Spencer could see that it was affecting Emily more than it had her. Everything that had been said in their argument the other night went out the window as soon as Spencer could move away from her sister. Once her mother was there to take care of Melissa, Spencer moved to Emily. A hug was in order after everything that had happened. Emily clung to her in such desperation as they stood in their embrace for what seemed like hours.

Nobody argued when Spencer went to spend the night with Emily. She didn't know if that meant they were able to see each other again, but Spencer knew that she didn't want Emily to be alone that night ( _she didn't want to be alone either_ ).

Emily became timid once they got into her bedroom. It was far past 2 in the morning when they finally were done with the police and talking to everyone.

"Just for tonight," Pam had agreed when Spencer had gotten there ( _well after the huge hug that Spencer hadn't quite understood the reasoning behind)_ and Emily had silently thanked her mother. Spencer was still quiet. Her emotions were still forming and Spencer let herself be handled by Emily through the majority of the night. Leaning on Emily felt natural. Spencer didn't want to be alone. She wanted to share this with Emily; she wanted it to be easier on the both of them. It wasn't until they were behind closed doors that Emily let her emotions shine through. Emily wondered why it was Spencer comforting her, not the other way around. Ian was dead. The person that had tried to _kill_ Spencer was dead. Emily didn't know why it caused her to become so emotional, but it did. Spencer's soothing hands ran through her hair as Emily tried to calm herself down. The tears had come before she had commanded them to. It felt wonderful to be back in Spencer's arms. She had forgotten the comfort she received by just being with Spencer.

All of this… it was worth it to be standing there with Spencer.

"He's dead, Em," Spencer assured as she kept her grip on Emily. Her hands soothed against Emily's back as Spencer finally allowed herself to completely relax. She wasn't sure whom she was trying to reassure when she said it again. Ian was dead.

He couldn't hurt her; he couldn't hurt _them_.

"I'm sorry," Emily whispered as she pulled back from the embrace. It was for everything. For lying, for avoiding Spencer on some level, for not being there for the other girl when she needed her the most. Emily was sorry for all of it.

Spencer shook her head at the apology. There was nothing to be sorry for. In her mind, this was all over now. If anyone needed to be sorry, it was Spencer. She had just been so shocked to hear that Emily might have been moving, she didn't mean what she had said. "I'm sorry," Spencer replied. Her fingers reached to push out a loose hair out of Emily's face. Emily nodded at her apology. Spencer's fingers stayed on Emily's cheek as they fell into a comfortable silence. Just being together now was what was important.

They could face anything if they were together. Spencer's eyes flickered to Emily's lips with their proximity to each other. It wasn't a night to be upset; this was a night to heal. And from what Spencer knew, kisses worked pretty well in that category. There was no hesitation as Spencer pressed her lips against Emily's.

This is what Spencer needed.

Soft lips met her own. Too much time had passed since she had last kissed Emily. Just a simple kiss reminded her why she had fought so hard within herself for this relationship. All the feelings that had been suppressed rose back to the surface as Emily's hands slid up her sides and held her close. Her hand kept on Emily's face as she ran her tongue against Emily's lip. There was no pressure and Spencer loved it. She wanted to spend hours just memorizing Emily's lips against her own. There was so much that Spencer still had to learn about Emily: where the girl liked to be touched, how she liked to be touch, which pressure points lead to different reactions. There would be time for all of that. Spencer would make sure of it.

Spencer had never wanted to know someone like she wanted to know Emily in that moment.

* * *

"Hey," Veronica knocked on the door after the hello. Spencer looked up from her books to see her mother at the door. She set down the history books she had been reading. Spencer needed to catch up in school. "I made you some tea."

"Oh," Spencer said as she reached out to grab the cup from her mother. Usually she didn't get the late night visits from her mother unless she was the one that initiated them. There wasn't as much interrupting of studying that happened. "Thanks."

The 'thank you' was sincere, but Spencer sounded tired. The last week had taken a lot out of her. It wasn't bad enough that the day after she decided she wanted to be with Emily, she hadn't been able to even talk to the girl, but then they had found Ian's body. She was still reeling from that reveal. Spencer knew that Ian had died, but finding him like that… in her gut, Spencer knew that something was wrong. He had died falling from the bell tower, not by suicide.

Spencer just wanted to be able to spend time with Emily. They were finally beginning to spend time together, but she just needed to be honest with everyone. For the first time, Spencer had the urge to hold Emily's hand in the hallway and she knew that she just needed to tell her parents. For the first time since the bell tower, they had believed her and the silence was nice to have.

"Wren called, to see how you and Melissa were."

"That's nice of him."

"It's a good thing your father didn't answer. He would have hung up. He's not as forgiving as I am."

"I thought your teachers gave you extensions on all your homework."

"Oh, they did. But…" Spencer started as she tried to think of an excuse. It wasn't valid to say that she needed to focus on something else. She didn't want to talk to her mother about how she had been so focused on "A" that she needed some distraction from it. Spencer couldn't even begin to talk to her mother about how her relationship with Emily had just started and they had already been driven apart by their parents before telling them about it. Now, Spencer didn't know how to bring it up. "Exams are still next week."

"You work so hard," the compliment seemed strange coming from her mother. It was said as almost an apology. "You always have."

There was a moment of silence before Veronica spoke again.

"We made the arrangements for the funeral. There will be no frills: no flowers, and as far as I am concerned, no tears," Veronica mentioned as she sat down.

"Yeah," Spencer felt small as she spoke. It was all finally being laid to rest, but she didn't feel comfortable still. There were still things heavy upon her heart. The funeral was for Melissa's sake, not her own.

"Your father and I were very moved by your desire to do this for your sister."

Veronica's simple touch on Spencer's knee almost broke the girl. There was so much suppressed emotion and there was her mother acting so kind to her about everything that had happened.

"I just think she needs some kind of ceremony."

"You were right. We did need to do this. I called the girls to see if they would come to the funeral to support you. It's the least I can do. I'm the one that separated you."

"Mom, it's okay," Spencer looked down at her hands. Spencer didn't want people to apologize to her. In her mind, it was in the past. The past needed to stay in the past. She was completely sick of living in it. After everything with Alison and then Ian, she needed to leave the dead buried.

"No, it's not. It's not okay that I didn't believe you. And it's not okay that I… that I allowed a monster in my house. But I promise I will never do it again. Will you give me another chance?"

"Only if you'll give me one," Spencer almost shook with fear as the words came out.

This had to be the time. Emily and her had talked about it. Spencer needed to tell her parents first and then they would tell other people. If she didn't say anything now, Spencer didn't know if she would. Fear raised throughout her body.

It was only fair that Spencer talked to her mom about it.

"I've been lying to you," Spencer said and a confused look wiped over her mother's face. "Not about Ian or anything like that. I… I broke up with Toby, because I like someone else."

"Do I know him?" Veronica asked. Her hand was still rested on Spencer's leg and it hadn't tensed or anything. There was only confusion in Veronica's face, nothing else.

Spencer took a deep breath before she spoke again.

"It's Emily."

There was a look of confusion on Veronica's face for a moment and Spencer felt like curling into a ball. Maybe she shouldn't have done this. Telling her mother had seemed like a good idea, but now she wasn't so sure. She just wanted her mother to show any kind of emotion instead of the confusion.

"Okay," Veronica said and Spencer barely got her gaze up from lap long enough to see her mother smiling at her. "Is that what you were so worried about?" Spencer just nodded and felt like a little girl again. When something that seemed so big to her, was such a small thing to her mother. "It doesn't change anything, Spencer." Then a laugh came from Veronica and it was Spencer that looked confused. "I'm sorry, I just thought you were going to say that you were dating a murderer or something worst than that."

Other people thought they knew the Hastings, but they didn't. Under all the deceit and unconventional protection, there was a fierce loyalty and love. It had still been nerve wrecking, but Spencer should have realized that. Her mother wasn't afraid of different.

Spencer quickly moved the books from her lap and shifted to churl herself into her mother's arms. She felt so relieved. The weight of this "secret" was finally off her chest. Her mother knew about it and that meant they didn't have to hide anymore. Spencer didn't only do it for herself; she did it for Emily as well. Emily deserved to not have to be hidden.

"I love you so much honey."

Spencer was ready to be happy.

* * *

**SEPTEMBER 2011 –** _but now it just aches and makes me blind._

* * *

It wasn't as easy as Spencer thought it would be.

Seeing Emily everyday as just a friend hurt more than she expected. What was worst was that Spencer couldn't just ignore Emily. That would be like ignoring that the sun or the moon—it wouldn't happen. Spencer could try to ignore the girl, but it wouldn't work. Inside, she knew that she wouldn't want to anyways. That would be even more painful. She didn't want to lose Emily. Spencer didn't know if she could handle losing Emily as a friend. It wasn't easy to see Emily in the hallways or to have to talk to the other girl still, but Spencer still felt the need to be there for the other girl. At least this way, she could still have the other girl in her life. Spencer would just have to pretend that everything was fine, that she _wasn't_ falling apart—luckily, that was something she was good at.

A fake smile seemed more real to Spencer than a genuine one now.

Caring didn't get automatically turned off after breaking up with someone. You kept doing things for people you loved, no matter what. Spencer hadn't been able to switch it off once she broke up with Emily. It would have been easier if she could do that. Instead, Spencer still felt the same amount of protectiveness towards Emily. It showed clearly when she rushed after Emily. Emily would have been fine with just Hanna or Aria, but Spencer wouldn't have let the other girl rush away without chasing her.

"Spencer."

The voice drew her back from the bathroom door. The other two girls had already left. Spencer considered keeping walking for a moment, but she didn't. All Emily had to do was say her name and Spencer froze. How weak was she that she couldn't even keep walking? Spencer didn't know if she was ready for the one-on-one conversation quite yet. It was easier when the other girls were around. Spencer turned around and there was the fake smile that she had perfected so long ago.

"Hanna and Aria are waiting for us," Spencer added and she could almost feel the mood shift between them. Emily's eyes shift downwards for a second before looking back up at Spencer. Spencer keeps the neutral look on her face as she keeps her gaze locked on Emily. _Don't back down. Don't cry. Don't cry._ It's the motto running through her mind as she stands still. Spencer was frozen until Emily released her. It killed her that she didn't have the control ( _she never really had_ ). It was like Emily had completely forgotten what she had wanted to talk about. Her eyes were just stuck on Spencer. Spencer had to swallow down her self-consciousness as Emily just took her in. Spencer was never one for awkward silences, but she couldn't let Emily win and speak first. This was where she found her strength—through silence. It took concentration to keep her eyes locked on Emily's face without reading the emotion on the other girl's face. Spencer didn't want to see what Emily was feeling. Spencer would surely crack if that happened. It was nearly impossible to look into Emily's eyes without being able to feel what the other girl was feeling. Defenses were up and that meant no looking directly into Emily's eyes.

The moments seemed to be hours as they stood in uncomfortable silence. It was Emily who finally broke it.

"Are we going to talk about last night?"

Spencer wanted to laugh at the question, but she didn't. Words wouldn't come out of her mouth until she figured out what she wanted to say. Could she just ignore the breakup all together? Should she act like they had never even been anything? Spencer didn't have a handbook on how to deal with these sorts of situations. It had been so easy with Toby. He had been so gracious when Spencer had broken up with him. Spencer had expected some sort of reaction, but he had been so kind. It had probably given her unusual expectations for these sorts of things. With Toby things had been so easy. They had fallen into a friendship so easily after they broke up. But with Emily… Spencer knew it would take more work than that.

"There's nothing to talk about."

Emily sighed at her words and Spencer kept her face still. There was no room for emotion. This was how Spencer was able to keep going without completely breaking down. Spencer felt divided as she stood and waited for Emily to respond. She could say something that she would regret or she could stay silent.

The latter seemed the easiest.

"We need to talk about what happens now."

That wasn't a conversation that Spencer wanted to have. Couldn't the other girl just pretend like Spencer was so desperately trying to do? It was hard enough as it was. They didn't need to discuss it and make it hurt that much more.

"We go back to being friends, Em…ily," Spencer stuttered at her words. Embarrassment rushed through her veins. It was certainly too early to start using that nickname again. It had become some sort of pet name and held too much meaning. It was easier to just use Emily's name. She could see the flash of hurt take over Emily's face as she changed the name. It didn't hurt as much as she thought it would have. "I'm always going to be here for you." _(I can't not be there for you._ ) Spencer knew that Emily wanted to say something else, but Spencer wouldn't let her. It hurt too much. "Hanna and Aria are waiting. We're fine."

A small nod from Emily was all it took to send Spencer out of the bathroom.

Spencer had to keep herself busy and away from Emily for now.

* * *

"I swear to God, if I have to hear one more time about how "fine" they are, I'm going to shoot them myself."

"Hanna…"

"You know you're sick of it too, Aria."

Aria sighed as she sat at the table next to Hanna. There was nothing that she could think to do to ease the pain of the break up for either one of them. They were both her friends. All she had been able to get out of Spencer was that the break up was fine and it just wasn't working out between the two of them. Aria knew that it wasn't the truth. Spencer had the "Hastings" look on her face and there was nothing more upsetting than knowing her best friends were hurting more than they let on.

"I just want to know what happened," Aria mentioned as she faced Hanna. Her eyes widened slightly as she saw Hanna turn away. Hanna was probably the worst liar out of all of them. Aria knew her tells and she definitely was holding onto more than she had let on. "What? You know? Now you have to tell me."

It only took a moment for Hanna to come to a decision. "Okay, but you can't tell Spencer that I was the one to tell you." Aria nodded in response. "I was with Spencer and A sent her a picture. A picture of Emily and Maya _kissing_."

"So?" Aria asked before she realized what the implications of it could be. "Oh." Hanna just nodded her head and Aria looked up. She could see Emily through the window as she talked to one of her teachers. It made sense now. The reason Emily was so upset over Maya's death and their break up. It seemed so simple now that she knew the entire truth. Poor Emily; Poor _Spencer_. Aria couldn't imagine the pain the other girl was going through. The entire Maya situation had already upset the other girl, but now knowing that Emily had kissed her while they were still together… Aria knew that Spencer needed her friends a lot more than she was letting on. "So Spencer…"

"Probably had a major freak out and now they're done," Hanna finished Aria's train of thought as she picked out a chip from her bag.

"Wow."

"I know."

"What do we do now?"

"Nothing." Hanna was sure that they could do nothing to fix what had happened between the two of them. Only time would do that. Aria and her needed to stay as far away as possible from the situation. They could only make it worse if they did anything. "I always though that it'd be Spencer who broke Emily's heart, not the other way around."

* * *

"You think my mom finished your test for you?" Aria wanted to make sure that was what Emily was saying. Aria hadn't been expecting Emily to talk to her about school when she had followed her home. Aria didn't know how Emily was managing to stay so focused about everything happening in her life beside the break up with Spencer. Both of them were pretending like nothing had even happened, but Aria could see it. They were both ignoring it and Aria just wanted to make sure that they were both okay. Her mom finishing a test for Emily didn't feel like that big of a deal in the long run comparatively.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what she was telling me."

"Why would she do that?"

"I don't know. She feels sorry for me? Everyone feels sorry for me?"

"It's not just you," Aria mentioned in response. She didn't know why her thoughts automatically went to Spencer. Emily wasn't the only one people were feeling sorry for. Throughout the entire summer, Spencer had been the topic of conversation just as much as Emily. Her mother had been concerned about the lack of Spencer during the summer and now she was just trying to help. "My mom's protective instincts have been in overdrive since the divorce. She's… she's compensating."

"Well, I just wish she'd compensate on somebody else." Emily was annoyed, but Aria knew that she couldn't stop her mother's protective nature as much as she would have liked to. Emily didn't want people to treat her differently. Enough had happened because of Maya's death and now, she wanted to move on. Spencer had just broken up with her and she hated the pity in everyone eyes. It wasn't bad enough that her friends were trying to protect her, but now her teachers were as well. Emily hated feeling made of glass. She wanted to be treated like nothing had ever happened.

Then Aria mentioned A and that was another can of worms.

Emily wanted to be able to start to move on from Maya's death, but it'd be impossible if people kept treating her differently because of it. Emily was trying hard to move past A and what happened to Maya. She was honest when she said she was angrier than anything with A. They were supposed to be done with that part of their lives and A had ruined _another_ one of her relationships.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about what happened?" Aria mentioned after they spoke and Emily looked at her confused. "About Spencer."

Emily took a deep breath as she just shook her head. There wasn't much to talk about. Spencer had broken up with her after seeing that photo. Emily hadn't been able to stop it from happening. There wasn't much to talk about. Spencer had made it clear earlier that she didn't want to discuss it. "There's nothing to talk about. She broke up with me."

Aria sighed at the response, that wasn't _all_ that happened, but she didn't know if she should push the issue any further. Emily and Spencer had conveniently left out the kissing Maya thing when she had talked to the both of them.

"Maybe it's better this way." It was Emily who broke the silence. Maybe this was what they both needed in the moment. "We're still friends. Anyways, I have to focus on school and making sure that your mom and boyfriend aren't giving me grades I don't deserve."

* * *

"You her ride?"

The bartender had let Spencer use the bar phone to call someone to pick her up. Spencer knew it was just because he didn't want her driving drunk, but for a moment she considered kissing him for letting her do so. It had been too much for Spencer; she needed time to relax. The bar had seemed like the best place to go for that. The dance floor had become her best friend—well along with the man who had his hands against her for most of Spencer's time on it.

"Come on."

The voice was so distinct and she turned around and smiled brightly at her friend. Spencer quickly moved away from the man who had bought her drinks for the past hour. Thank goodness for Hanna's obsession with her cell phone but Spencer wouldn't have called anyone else either ( _maybe Emily, but thank goodness she had called Hanna first)_. Spencer even considered kissing Hanna in your drunken state. No, she was too blonde and definitely not her type at all. Spencer tried to turn around to go back to _James_ , but Hanna's hand was tightly gripped against her wrist. No, this was supposed to be fun. Spencer didn't have enough fun for the night. Spencer wanted to keep forgetting. If Hanna made her leave now, she would remember all the hurt again. Drinking helped. Spencer was happy ( _or as happy as she would believe herself to be)_.

"Spencer," Hanna's voice sounded amused as Spencer turned to face her. "It's a school night."

"Screw school," Spencer laughed. She leaned into Hanna's hold against her arm. All the drinks were getting to her; it was nice having someone to keep her steady. Spencer didn't know that her life could have become even more difficult. Now she had to deal with her mother defending someone who had probably _killed_ her best friend and had to deal with a breakup that seemed less like her idea. Jenna could see and Spencer still had to deal with the implications of the night that Emily couldn't remember. Spencer didn't get to forget about Emily. No, she was still worried about what had happened that night. Jenna could see now and it would bring on problems for all of them. They still didn't know what happened during the rest of the night, but Jenna admitted to just giving Emily a ride home. Spencer had tried to hide when Jenna mentioned how Emily had cried out for Maya.

All the closeness that she had developed with her mother seemed to be fading away. After their fight that night, Spencer hadn't wanted to stay home. She had thought to call one of the girls, but she knew that they were all busy. They all had things to deal with and Spencer could handle herself.

There was still so much for her to deal without A's intention of ruining their lives. This new "A" was brutal and Spencer shouldn't have been surprised that her life wasn't turning out like she had planned during the summer. Emily didn't come back from her trip and everything was magically fixed.

Everything was broken.

It was broken and Spencer couldn't fix it.

"Okay, let's go home," Hanna muttered and Spencer quickly shook her head. "You can stay at my house." At least she had Hanna. Spencer knew that she had Aria as well, but Hanna knew everything that was happening. Hanna always seemed to know what was actually happening with her. If Spencer went home, she would just have to deal with the questions her mother would ask and the questions that she would never answer about what had really happened. It was too much for her to even think about in her state. She didn't want to have to think about Melissa losing her baby and _when_ that had happened. There were too many mysteries in her life.

Hanna seemed concerned and amused at the same time. Spencer would realize the next morning how absolutely ridiculous she had acted that night. But for the time, it was completely out of her realm of control. There was no anger in her when she was drunk. No room for hurt. Spencer could understand how people got addicted to that feeling. At least, Spencer was a controllable drunk. She still could control some of her actions, she knew better than to drink that much.

"Do you have any more at your house?" Spencer asked once they reached Hanna's car. Spencer could barely keep herself still when she was drunk. It was definitely something that she had noticed. Every time she drank, she had the urge to dance around.

_Feel alive_.

"No more alcohol for you, boozy," Hanna teased before Spencer sighed dramatically. "We're headed straight to bed once we get to my house." Spencer kinked one of her eyebrows and Hanna just laughed at the response. "Who knew that Spencer Hastings could be so sexual?"

"I'm _smashed_ ," Spencer shrugged as a reaction before trailing her fingers against the car as she went to the passenger side. Spencer could remember clearly the different terms that Wren had called it the last time she had drunk this much. She had been happy then too.

As much as she was happy now, Spencer knew that as soon as she sobered up, all the feelings would return.

Knowing that only made her want to keep drinking.

* * *

Nate was a welcomed surprise.

Emily never thought that she would hear from anyone in Maya's family after the girl had died. There were no returned emails or calls. It made sense once Nate explained it, but it didn't take away the pain of not being able to say goodbye to Maya. They had left so much unfinished and unsaid. A goodbye would have been nice to have. Going to the funeral would have helped. Emily hadn't gotten over that. Maya and her story didn't feel finished yet.

"She only talked about you."

She smiled at the statement. Maya and her relationship had been weird towards the end, but it felt nice to know that what the other girl wanted was genuine. Maya had worked so hard to get back together with her—Emily had never even considered it fully until Maya was dead.

"I'm dating—I _was_ dating this girl when Maya came back to town," Emily mentioned. It was hard to remind herself that she wasn't dating Spencer, not anymore. Nate seemed like the only person that would understand the pain she was going through. He knew Maya like she knew her. Her friends and family… they only knew the Maya the world saw. Nate and her saw Maya the way that she really was. They got to see the vulnerable side of the girl and it was nice to have someone else that had experienced that. The girls couldn't understand what Maya meant to her. She had been there for things that they couldn't possibly have been. Maya had been there when everything happened between her and Spencer at first. Maya wasn't scared to be with her like Spencer had been.

Maya was the first girl she dated, the first girl that she had felt completely comfortable with. That feeling didn't go away overnight. It didn't go away at all. It only came back stronger when the other person was dead.

"I'm sure she loved that," Nate laughed and Emily found herself laughing with him. The sarcasm was clear and Emily knew exactly what he was talking about. Emily had only found out how jealous Maya could be once she came back to town and Emily was with Spencer. There had been so much jealousy and so much want from the other girl; it had overwhelmed Emily.

"She tried so hard to convince me that it was supposed to be the two of us, but then she just stopped one night…" Emily said as her forehead crinkled for a moment as she remembered the times just before Maya had died. The other girl had pulled away from the flirting and convincing once she had actually seen Spencer and Emily together at that party. It was almost like she realized something. Emily knew that she shouldn't have led the other girl on, but it was hard not to want to keep someone you loved out of your life. It was easy for her to keep Maya in her life, even though at the time, she wouldn't have left Spencer for the world. Now, it didn't seem like it should have been that clear-cut of a decision.

"From what I know, Maya really loved you," Nate's eyes stayed locked on her as Emily took it all in. Emily knew that Maya loved her, but hearing someone else say it made all the difference. Other people could see it as well. It made it real. "Did Maya know this other girl?"

Emily thought about the question. Maya had met Spencer multiple times, but they had never been _friends_. Especially when the girl came back to town, they hadn't gotten along. "They knew each other, but not well. Maya knew that I loved Spencer before I loved her. But Maya always said we were something special."

There was a silence after Emily spoke. She wondered if Nate could hear her voice start to crack as she thought about Maya. Regrets had entered her mind and it was hard to think about the other girl without wondering about the "what ifs". Maybe if she hadn't stayed with Spencer, then the other girl would still be alive.

Luckily Nate seemed to get the hint that Emily wasn't ready to talk about all of this.

"Maya said you were a swimmer. What's your stroke? Butterfly? Free style?"

* * *

Heartbreak must be contagious in the world that lived in.

Spencer had been on Jason's porch when she had gotten the text from Aria that Hanna and Caleb had broken up. It was a good reason for her not to go home. After the talk with Melissa and her mother, Spencer needed more time away to take it all in. Her sister had faked her pregnancy for so long and her parents had known. There was so much deception happening again in her family and Spencer couldn't stand it. Her threat had been real. If her mother hadn't talked to her, Spencer would have walked out with just the clothes on her back. After everything that had happened in the past few days, she needed some sort of sanity.

Home was supposed to be a safe place.

Her house was the opposite of comfortable at the moment.

All thoughts of the fifty grand and her dysfunctional family were out of her mind once she got the text. Taking care of Hanna was something that she could focus upon. Spencer would do anything to take her mind off of everything that was happening in her life ( _as well as her own heartbreak_ ).

"Hey," Spencer said softly as she entered the room with Aria and Hanna. Ms. Marin had let her in and Spencer knew exactly where the other two girls would be. "I brought some junk." Surprisingly, the cure for heartbreak was often the cure for being sick as well. Spencer knew what Hanna liked when she was in pain (physical and emotional). "And of course, mozzarella sticks."

That was the main thing that Hanna enjoyed and Spencer could only hope that it could help slightly with the sting of the breakup. It seemed to work somewhat as Hanna sat up slowly from her place resting against Aria's lap. Spencer smiled sadly at the other girl. She knew exactly what the other girl was feeling. Spencer knew better than to ask what had happened between the two of them. Hanna would tell her once she was ready—Spencer wouldn't be the one to push. All she needed to know was that her friend was hurt and she was ready to comfort her. The bag of junk food and trashy magazines went right to Hanna's lap as she found the box of mozzarella sticks first.

"Emily?" Spencer mouthed to Aria. There was something that was stopping her from completely relaxing. If the other girl was going to come over, then Spencer didn't think she could stay for all that long. It would be too much with three of them going through heartbreak. Aria shook her head at the question and Spencer felt her body physically relax under the answer. It was selfish and petty, but she didn't want to see the other girl right then.

Her shoulders rolled slightly as she shook off her coat to toss over a chair before she moved to sit on the opposite side of Hanna. This is what friends did for each other. They brought over crap and let each other cry.

"I don't know how you're not crying," Hanna said softly after eating a few mozzarella sticks. "A ruined your relationship too." Spencer just shook her head as she looked sadly towards Hanna. It wasn't the same.

"My relationship was ruined far before A sent me that photo," Spencer said sadly. Her voice had almost cracked, but she had kept control over it. Her eyes had swelled with tears quicker than she thought they would have. Spencer hadn't meant to get emotional, but heartbreak was contagious. The sight of Hanna made Spencer remember all the pain she had tried to push to the side throughout the past few days. Her body ached to cry, ached to just sob out at the injustice of it all. At the pain of it all, but Spencer wouldn't let it. The weakness would not take over her. She wasn't the victim here. Spencer had to be the strong one. "I'm sorry," she muttered as she looked at her hands. The pity would be too much to see in the other girl's eyes. This was supposed to be about Hanna, not about her own breakup with Emily.

"We're here for you too, Spence," Aria said softly. Spencer nodded but kept her eyes on her hands. Her emotions had to be under control before she looked at them. It was harder than it looked to keep it all in. A tear ran down her cheek as she took a deep breath in.

Hanna's hand reached over and gripped onto hers. They could share in their heartbreak.

For now, that was enough.


End file.
